“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.” Here is where I think the difference between the leprechaun and I is flushed out. There are many events in my past that are real uncomfortable for me to go into emotionally. And yet when some event in today stimulates that emotional upset I am faced with having to deal with it. The leprechaun believes that you can think your way through emotional problems. He says that you can become “aware “and then you can”realize” that you can be different than you were before. I say poppycock to that.
Awareness without emotions is just awareness. If I can’t connect with what goes on inside of my mind to what goes on inside of my emotional self, then no change can be truly take place. Yes there may be moments when the awareness can override the emotion. It all depends on what level fear I am talking about.
“..[A]nyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.” Here’s where I fell short. I could not adjust to my group and at the same time pursue my individual goal. I didn’t want to be with people who stayed in the rational self all the time. I wanted to be with people who expressed their true self through their art, their music. But I didn’t realize at the time that I wanted to start expressing my true self through something besides defending people charged with committing crimes. I didn’t satiate my soul at all, it only satisfied my pocketbook and my ego.
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” Here’s where the great part of the journey is. Which way of living is the hell? My old self that was going on and thinking that the acquiring of stuff was the answer to my problems, or the one now that is somewhat short on the stuff needed to attain status in the outside world. The last five years of my life have been challenging to say the least. If you saw where I am today and you compared to where I was five years ago, you would call me a complete failure, if you looked at the world is being defined by what you look like on the outside. But the choice I made did not feel like it was one I could not do. I couldn’t function in the outside world like I had.
“Sometimes you have to do something unforgivable just to be able to go on living.” I did not like to have to make the decision I made about three years ago. I did not want to have to put my own life as well as those who are around me in such a transformation as to cause great fear. And I know that what I did caused great fear for other people who were dependent upon and relied upon what I did to make a living. It is with great sadness that I say that I did something that is virtually unforgivable in their eyes and I am terribly sad about that.