“There can be no transforming of darkness into light ….”

  by-the-church-sunday-morningand of apathy into movement without emotion” The Leprechaun and I talk to each other quite a bit. We talk to each other about a lot of things.  But it usually goes back to the primary thing we almost always talk about,  mental or emotional health. Since he is a retired psychiatrist and I am a  person who has “deep-seated…emotional conflicts that [at times] persist below the level of my conscious,” it’s one of the things that we focus on together to try to improve our own lives.
downloadOne of the areas where we have philosophical differences is what happens when you attain awareness. He argues that attaining awareness allows us to transform our thinking processes which will then allow us to attain a certain level of contentment in our lives. I argue that awareness without emotions is just awareness and have said this for the last 25 years or so. Using his analysis you can think your way into better living by attaining awareness. But as we know in AA,  that’s not necessarily true. If it was true, that all you had to do was become aware of what you do, you wouldn’t have to continue to go to AA meetings or continue with our emotional and psychological support systems.

images turtle“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.” Here is where I think the difference between the leprechaun and I is flushed out. There are many events in my past that are real uncomfortable for me to go into emotionally. And yet when some event in today stimulates that emotional upset I am faced with having to deal with it. The leprechaun believes that you can think your way through emotional problems.  He says that you can become “aware “and then you can”realize” that you can be different than you were before. I say poppycock to that.

Awareness without emotions is just awareness.  If I can’t connect with what goes on inside of my mind to what goes on inside of my emotional self, then no change can be truly take place.  Yes there may be moments when the awareness can override the emotion.  It all depends on what level fear I am talking about.

stunning-smeared-sky-time-lapse-photography-matt-molloy“..[A]nyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic.”  Here’s where I fell short. I could not adjust to my group and at the same time pursue my individual goal. I didn’t want to be with people who stayed in the rational self all the time. I wanted  to be with people who expressed their true self through their art, their music. But I didn’t realize at the time that I wanted to start expressing my true self through something besides defending people charged with committing crimes. I didn’t satiate my soul at all, it only satisfied my pocketbook and my ego.

dawn“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” Here’s where the great part of the journey is. Which way of living is the hell?  My old self that was going on and thinking that the acquiring of stuff was the answer to my problems, or the one now that is somewhat short on the stuff needed to attain status in the outside world.  The last five years of my life have been challenging to say the least. If you saw where I am today and you compared to where I was five years ago,  you would call me a complete failure, if you looked at the world is being defined by what you look like on the outside. But the choice I made did not feel like it was one I could not do.  I couldn’t function in the outside world like I had.

mountain-lake-idyll-lake-bannalpsee-donald-kamp“Sometimes you have to do something unforgivable just to be able to go on living.” I did not like to have to make the decision I made about three years ago. I did not want to have to put my own life as well as those who are around me in such a transformation as to cause great fear. And I know that what I did caused great fear for other people who were dependent upon and relied upon what I did to make a living. It is with great sadness that I say that I did something that is virtually unforgivable in their eyes and I am terribly sad about that.

maple-tree-stouffville-ontario-fallenflowers“The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected. Only the wounded physician heals” It is where I’m at now. If you know me, if you’ve read this blog for the last four or five months, you will realize that I am very aware that I am wounded. I also know that I have an ability to communicate and reach people. I believe that I’m being led to do that by a power greater than myself.  I was saying to the Leprechaun yesterday that I would have never thought this was going to be my life at this time.  I dont have a” norma”l life any longer.
eagles-stare-cookzkiePlease understand I am not complaining, but when your whole belief system gets torn away, when those who you love are no longer there, when you feel so confused and bewildered a lot of the time, it can lead to shall we say, depression.  I say that somewhat tongue in cheek in this moment, but as my dear friends know, I go through little journey’s that at times are overwhelming. I try not to bring too many of them here.
All quotes are from Carl Jung.
R.V. 123.  Forgiveness comes from the heart and soul, permission comes from thinking, the mind.
stubborn-look1 baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon

4 thoughts on ““There can be no transforming of darkness into light ….”

  1. Fascinating piece. Really liked the Jung quotes with it. Self-awareness is a funny thing and one I contemplate a lot. It can be powerful but, as you say, there is more to it than just that – a want to change, support, knowing how!

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