“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned….

baby-with-blue-eyesso as to have the life that is waiting for us.” [1]  This is the  struggle where I find myself today.  I am in a new place, with a new life and it is so that I can go onto the life that I was put here to live.  What is happening is when I get alone, and the creeping doubt of my mind comes in, I start wanting to do things that keep me stuck in the life I planned.  They are the same sort of thoughts I had when I was a kid.  I am not enough, dont work enough, arent smart enough, blah, blah, blah.

napa courthouse“Blind belief in authority is the greatest enemy of truth.”[2] This is the unconscious behavior I am doing right now and will revert to unless I am”mindfully,” conscious.  Mindfully conscious is being aware of what I am doing, feeling and thinking.

I am honoring those voices, who when I was a kid and in many ways with many of the people I know today, who say that I need to think like they do.  I need to accept the limitations that they have decided I need to have.

puffins-lucy-hollisAn example.  Many of my dear, dear friends and I mean that literally, dont agree with me that the root cause of depression is not biological, that is it is not caused by a “brain disorder.”  I have said from the beginning of this journey called depression that it is primarily if not totally a cultural problem.  It is caused by the factors and events that make up our lives.

When I am okay with myself, I say that the solution is the path I have chosen and am walking down.  When I am not, when I am scared and  listening to those voices inside, I think about getting my meds back out and to start taking them again.

rainforest-in-fog1The insanity of that is for me is that they did not work for me.  Yes they might have raised the lows and lowered the highs, but they did not make the emotional pain and the mental anguish go away.  They just made it “bearable!” What the hell does that word mean?

mourningdovesYour true nature lies not concealed deep within you, but immeasurably high above you, or at least above that which you usually take yourself to be.[3]  I am glad Nietsche was “crazy,” according to some scholars and others.  Then I can negate his words I just posted and not have to honor the real me and do the things I was put here to do.  I can stay as Pink Floyd said, “comfortably numb.”

But  what I have learned is that I was put into this fire for a purpose.  I dont necessarily get to know it when I want to know it.  I may not ever get to know it.  I just have to walk with the energy of loving kindness and I will do what it is that I was put here to do.

terrasse-sur-le-lc3a9man-chris-bard Cool!

[1]Joseph Campbell [2] Albert Einstein [3] Fredrich Nietzsche Untimely Meditations.


5 thoughts on ““We must be willing to let go of the life we planned….

  1. I both agree AND disagree with you on the root cause of depression. I think for some people the root cause is biological, and for some it’s environmental. I think of depression like cancer. The causes are myriad, for some it’s in the genes, for others it’s pure environment. Like with smokers.

    I just get just as frustrated when people tell me my daughter doesn’t need meds, that I need to get to the root cause of her mental illness. Brain chemistry IS the root cause for her. It runs in my family, just as surely as breast cancer runs in others.

    When we finally begin to recognize the fact that for many people, they have no more control over their mental illness than they would their diabetes, cancer, arthritis, or MS, THEN we can finally start eliminating the stigma that they face. I agree completely that for some, meds are NOT the answer and there is something else at work. I also agree that even for people like my daughter, who’s main issue IS brain chemistry, meds don’t work that WELL. Medication is very often NOT a magic cure. But for her, everything else being the same, she would most likely be dead without her meds.

    Are there some people out there being OVER medicated because it’s easier for the doc to prescribe a pill than get to the root cause of their problem? Absolutely. It’s happening, but that’s not what’s happening to everyone who is on an anti-depressant. Some of those people’s very lives depend on their meds.

    Just as some diabetics can comepletly control it with diet alone, some others would die without their medication. Do we stigmatize those diabetics that have to take insulin? Of course not. Now, of those diabetics on meds, many of them also have a diet regimen in place to support the meds. That’s the kind of treatment my daughter needs. Therapy and self-work like that are great, and aid her immensely, but they would be worthless without the meds as well. I think I know what the topic of my next post will be, lol. 😉 Thanks for getting my brain going tonight, haha!

  2. Leslie,
    Thanks for your words as always. I like the analysis and more than anything I like the passion. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you as her mother. I admire your courage dear friend.

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