The echo of the ticking clock grew louder. As the time struck 5pm, my body and mind fell into alignment. A shifting occurred. The den of fog that paralyzed me on Monday and Tuesday, rendered me unable to function at work, and taunted me with visuals of jumping off a bridge, suddenly lifted. Space was created. Space for me to talk freely, space for me to smile, space for me to participate in my life. During the night, I scripted the business meeting I will be holding in 2 weeks, fancied myself a photographer for my upcoming business trip(which I am not), seems there is another project I labored over in my mind but cannot remember now.
On to today. Today I am glowing. I am beaming. Buzzing with energy. Über functional. Successful. Powerful. Masterful. Passionate. HYPOMANIC!
My husband pleaded with me to stay in balance. Balance? The Fanatic is many things, but balanced is not one of them. My dear friend suggested my highs are too high and my lows are too low. While my rational mind agrees, my emotional mind covets these highs. It feels so good to feel good! Especially on the heels of suicidal despair. Yet, inevitably these invincible feelings are chased away by self destructive thinking in a matter of days. Back into the pit I fall.
My therapist made a coping skills worksheet for me, based on what I learned in my DBT group, to which I rolled my eyes. The theme is how to improve the moment when distressed. Come on. Seriously! How in the world am I going to remember to whip out this list when I’m sitting on top of the world or when I’m sitting in the trenches of darkness??
Well, turns out writing is one way for me to find relief..so in turn is reading what is on the coping skills worksheet and trying to utilize those skills. So is reaching out. It’s by chance you read this, but I have shared what is happening for me nonetheless.
Exercise is on my list, but so is eating some dark chocolate. Which would you choose?
123 RV Forgiveness comes from not asking others for permission.