Aside

“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me, redux”[2]

joker“The demon that you can swallow gives you it’s power and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply” [1]  The Picture to the right is the “Ggod Damn Demon.”

I swallowed the Ggod Damn Demon a long time ago. And as I started to grow up, physically, that demon started to grow also. The only way that demon could grow was by sucking energy from me. And it sucked that energy from my spirit, because that energy was limitless at that time. As the energy started to be depleted from me, I started to develop anxiety. This anxiety came about because I wasn’t changing in ways that I knew I needed to change. But therein rose the first dilemma that I faced in relation to the Ggod damned demon.

My mirrors, my teachers, couldn’t grow either and couldn’t show me how to grow.  However, the Ggod damn demon needed feeding. But that little boy inside, my spirit, didn’t want to live that way. So he went to sleep.

So by the time I was in fifth or sixth grade I was feeding that demon drugs and alcohol. I was giving it the only “Spirit” I could find because my spirit went to sleep! I looked all around for someone to teach me that I didn’t have to feed the demon, but I couldn’t find anyone. My mirrors were doing exactly the same thing. Just choose your poison they taught me. Alcohol, cigarettes, pills, drugs, television, soda, candy, disassociation!

table-topThe demon needed to be fed more and more as it grew. When I didn’t feed the Ggod damn demon the demon started to manifest itself as fear, anger, rage! IT was hungry Ggod damn it!  So now the demon was larger than anything else inside of me. I was scared of the Ggod damn demon, I was afraid of something and I didn’t even know what it was or for that matter where it was.

“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me; All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.”[ii] So the Ggod damn demon continues to grow, and grow, and grow. But I’ve got to keep it down because it acts in ways that aren’t healthy for me when it gets angry that it’s not being fed. I am afraid of the Ggod damn demon.  I am afraid of something  inside of me and I dont even know what or where it is.

Therein was created the dilemma that I could never solve.  I couldn’t kill the Ggod damn demon, or even control it, because I didn’t know that I had it.  So now as a teenager I’m almost in a stupor. The Ggod damn demon was in control. My brain still functioned, but my mind was already controlled by the Ggod damn demon. So I don’t even know what reality is anymore by this time.

hercules“You don’t know where you are or where your dreams end and the world begins.” [3] I am no longer in my body. The Ggod damn demon controls that. The Ggod damn demon controls my mind. All the while the Ggod damn demon needs more, more, more!  I don’t know what to do anymore. By high school I am constantly feeding the Ggod damn demon drugs and alcohol.

By this time I don’t have any energy to do anything else except for feed the Ggod damn demon. So what do I do, I start acting like the Ggod damn demon doesnt exist.  “I’m fine.” I don’t talk about anything with anyone. All I do is try to find food for the Ggod damn demon. So I have no energy to talk and the only energy I have is to feed the Ggod damn demon st, so I’m done “needing,” help.

“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.”[4]  So by the time I’m out of high school I am stoic, stoned-faced, and quiet. The only time that I’m not is when I’m feeding the Ggod damn demon all of the “spirits” I could find.

******

So it is now 1987 and I got sober.  I faced the Ggod Dam Deamon in my early years of recovery, “dealt,” with him and had moved on.  Little did I realize he had done just like my spirit had done way back when, he just went to sleep.    But he was biding his time.  He was actually assisting me into going back into ways of acting that were  familiar to him, ways of behaving that were comfortable for him.. That didnt mean they were healthy for me as an adult. Just familliar.

alone_So we go along and the Ggod Dam Deamon has now come back with full force.  At 20 years sober, I wanted to die. I really didn’t want to die, but I didn’t  want to live. The psychological/emotional  pain was too much.  Since I didn’t know how to live, he came back and started dictating reality.  But the spirit  couldn’t do it any longer and the spirit  started to come back.  The Deamon couldn’t allow that, as he knew that it was his job to protect the wounds to that little boy, so the struggle ensued.  The things that I had depressed had come back up to the surface, and the Deamon struggled.  He didnt want to avod it, to  not look at it, but because I really didn’t have the skills to face those deep seated emotional conflicts that I carried my whole life, the Deamon worked to  keep  it buried deep down in my psyche.  Well thank Ggod the Deamon lost out. It has not been easy.  At times it still is hard.

I “lost everything I have ever loved or feared.”

But here I am today.  Working hard to be present in a loving and committed relationship with my wonder full friend and lover.

By the Light of the MoonTrying to stand up and finally take care of and respect me.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

But with deep and true friends like the Fanatic, the Painter and the Leprechaun to name just a few, I am walking through it.

Depression sucks, but it also leads to something beautiful.

I am looking forward to my journey into trying to make the system we participate in more inclusive and respective of the whole person and not just the” mind,” or “mental,”  part of us.

I don’t like to give advice, but if I can share anything with anyone out there, I say keep putting one foot in front of the other and if you can’t, then lay down and rest.  We are human beings and not human doings. After you have had a good rest, please get back up and keep moving.  I look forward to meeting you on this trail we call life. If you see me laying down resting, if you can, please say hi and give me a loving smile, because that is all I really need.

I am really only looking for a loving mirror.  That is all I think I have ever wanted.

[i] Joseph Campbell, [ii] Sylvia Plath, [iii] Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life, [4] Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life.

finger touching nose of baby100_1608

Please remember, It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

123 This post is dedicated to R.V.

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8 thoughts on ““I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me, redux”[2]

  1. Hi again. We haven’t connected for awhile. You are so right, we are human beings not human doings. God bless you my friend and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    Rebecca

  2. I love this and will be re-posting (no use protesting 🙂 I would have done it by the time you have read this). Proud of you. I think I am resting at this time, half-ready to rise again 🙂

  3. Pingback: “I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me, redux”[2] | Quotes & Things to Inspire You

  4. Pingback: “I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me, redux”[2] | wordcarmen

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