One of the hardest things for me to do is to think! Not that the “brainiac,” has any problem doing so, its just that usually my thinking gets me back into those “thought loops,” that come out of my history.
“If you can see the path in front of you, it’s probably not yours.” So the path in front of me is one of mystery. My mind says, “Oh no. Help me Mr. Wizard.*” Because mystery is something the mind only understands and feels comfortable with when it is used in the form of a novel I am about to read.
When I was a kid, mystery usually was saved for the mood of those who were my role models. You see, I could not figure out what was going on in their minds and that was usually a negative thing. The ramifications of my inability to figure out their moods was usually realized in a forceful, negative incident where I was on the receiving end of actions that were sometimes very hurtful. Not just in the physical sense, but more than anything in the psychological and emotional sense. The psychological and emotional hurts are what the Ggod Dam Deamon has been the protector of. He did it at the expense of my ability to be in the moment, but the Deamon was created out of necessity for self-protection and to make sure I didnt get hurt like that again. If anything I owe my sanity, what I have of it, to the Deamon. Okay then! Thanks buddy.
So I have tried to harness and control mystery my whole life. What has it cost me? Oh I could tell you all about those dollars, buildings, relationships with women and friends and family. Those would seem tragic to others and have been that way for me too in a sense.
But the cost of losing the ability to live in the intuitive self, as Einstein would call it, is my ability to be alive. Truly alive, because it is only in the moment that I can truly be present. But to live in the moment means losing the ability to try and manage how YOU are going to treat me and what is going to “happen to me.” I had to try and figure out how I was going to respond to my role models moods and have taken that to almost all relationships in my life.
Even my relationship with the Leprechaun, which is one of my closest relationships, is somewhat incomplete because I have noticed behaviors about him that bothered me enough to have to compartmentalize some parts of my life and not share them with him. This is not to say that I don’t love him dearly. When I saw him today, he was standing in his plaid shirt, with one sleeve rolled up and one rolled down and his plaid fleece pants and his wonderful hat that he wears every time I see him.
That is him in the picture to the right.
Back to the point of mystery. Until I was willing to face those deep seated emotional conflicts, again, I was living totally in my mind. That life predicated on “films about ghosts,” is the one that leads to anticipating the way life is going to turn out. Even this brainiac can’t do that. Maybe my buddy busymindthinking has the capacity to do it, but I don’t.
I pray for my friends to get the peace they need to get to be able to live in the moment. To truly love and cherish this thing called life. I don’t do it all the time, but I do it more than I ever have. Thank Ggod.
123 Rhonda I can only seek forgiveness from Ggod and can only ask permission from humans.
 Joseph Campbell
*That’s not usually the words I would say, but I am trying to clean up my vocabulary