Watching my friends and I go through our depression is interesting. To try and understand this term “depression” is such a challenge. What is it? I cant tell you what it is in a sentence. When I can stand back and observe my own behavior and label it without judging it is the best way I can talk about it.
Yesterday I was driving back home with the Colonel. We had a nice long drive and we got to a point where I was talking about some legal matters I am involved in and I found myself wanting to spin out of control. I even commented about wanting to spin out of control twice. What I felt happening was the angst that goes along with unresolved conflict I have felt for most of my life. Now that I have walked through a lot of grief and sadness I had avoided, I am aware of when the angst raises its head, at least I was yesterday.
I felt like talking about the issues was making me think too fast, try to speak too fast and just created this level of “Oh my Ggod, something bad is about to happen,” kind of feeling. I DID NOT LIKE IT. I was losing sight of being in the present and that made it so I felt very, very uncomfortable.
“There are no windows within the dark house of depression through which to see others, only mirrors.”[iii] As many of you know, I see depression as mostly an emotional dis-ease more so than a mental illness. Trying to describe an emotional state, or lack thereof, which is so severe as to affect my spirit, my zest for life, is ludicrous at best and impossible at worst. So the above quote is the best way to describe my mental state of depression. Since to me depression is an accumulation of unresolved conflicts piled on top of each other, trying to get anyone to understand it, who cant empathize with it, is almost impossible.
The real nature of things we shall never know.[i] I marvel at the lack of awareness and understanding of depression. I did not say I like the lack of awareness. I am being led into studying psychology because of it. It is not that I need to know it biologically or in any empirical way. It is that I want to understand it empathetically so I can help my fellow sufferers.
[i] Albert Einstein, [ii] Michael Schehenker[iii] Miriam Toews
123. Forgiveness is necessary, permission is not.