Aside

“Depression is something that makes you lose your sight.”[ii]

are-you-sittingWatching my friends and I go through our depression is interesting.  To try and understand this term “depression” is such a challenge.  What is it?  I cant tell you what it is in a sentence.  When I can stand back and observe my own behavior and label it without judging it is the best way I can talk about it.

old-man-pencil-sketch-damien-mayYesterday I was driving back home with the Colonel.  We had a nice long drive and we got to a point where I was talking about some legal matters I am involved in and I found myself wanting to spin out of control.  I even commented about wanting to spin out of control twice.  What I felt happening was the angst that goes along with unresolved conflict  I have felt for most of my life.  Now that I have walked through a lot of grief and sadness I had avoided, I am aware of when the angst raises its head, at least I was yesterday.

s_e12_RTX116XJI felt like talking about the issues was making me think too fast, try to speak too fast and just created this level of “Oh my Ggod, something bad is about to happen,” kind of feeling.  I DID NOT LIKE IT.  I was losing sight of being in the present and that made it so I felt very, very uncomfortable.

control“There are no windows within the dark house of depression through which to see others, only mirrors.”[iii]  As many of you know, I see depression as mostly an emotional dis-ease more so than a mental illness.   Trying to describe an emotional state, or lack thereof, which is so severe as to affect my spirit, my zest for life, is ludicrous at best and impossible at worst.  So the above quote is the best way to describe my mental state of depression.  Since to me depression is an accumulation of unresolved conflicts piled on top of each other, trying to get anyone to understand it, who cant empathize with it, is almost impossible.

locked-doorThe real nature of things we shall never know.[i]  I marvel at the lack of awareness and understanding of depression.  I did not say I like the lack of awareness. I am being led into studying psychology because of it.  It is not that I need to know it biologically or in any empirical way.  It is that I want to understand it empathetically so I can help my  fellow sufferers.

[i] Albert Einstein, [ii] Michael Schehenker[iii] Miriam Toews

123.  Forgiveness is necessary, permission is not.

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5 thoughts on ““Depression is something that makes you lose your sight.”[ii]

  1. Every medical appointment I go to one of the very first questions I am asked is “are you depressed?” I can honestly say “I don’t know.” I know I should be as living in chronic pain day in and day out sucks. My gut tells me I am depressed. I cry a lot as chronic pain has taken so much away from me and my life. Any suggestions?

  2. First. I am not a doctor or a shrink
    I have learned that Ggod(how I spell it) gives me the information I need to know when I need to know
    You have asked me for a suggestion so I am going to go against my usual creed and give you advice. Is there anywhere or anything you can do that might be body centered therapy? Yoga, breathwork, sweating, etc.? I am very resistant to having an answer for anyone, ask the Fanatic!!!
    I can tell you that I hear your pain, I suffer, but not the same as you do.
    I wish you relief from pain.
    I dont know enough of your story to be intuitive in any response to you.
    If there is anything I can do to help you, I will.
    You can email me privately and I will do whatever I can for you
    shoe1000@yahoo.com
    Jim

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