Aside

[P]erfectionism…often the path to depression[i]

baby-wolves

A few things happened for me a long time ago which have been psychological anchors to reiterate the opening quote in this writing. What those events were is not important, what’s important is that I would constantly refer back to them, unconsciously of course, and measure my life by those events.  I never measured up to those standards set by those “objective” criteria! Not continuous sobriety, not going to college, law school, becoming an attorney, a father, living in a place where many people of the world would like to live. Not doing all the work on houses, apartment buildings, any of it. Again, not any of it.  I failed is what the mind says.  It says no matter what I did, if I am not there now, I have failed and all of the time before this was a failure too.

Fred, Dick, Ben and PeetThat is not me talking. That is a voice that I have carried since I can remember when.  It is not true.  Many people dont even try to do what I did.

Depression is the inability to construct a future”[2]  But I am here now.  I am toying with the ideas of what I am going to do in the future.  I am not sure, but I have a pretty good idea.  I could not have said that even 2 months ago.  Its not time to put it out here only because when I usually put something in writing, I then feel like I have to do it. Where I am now is better than I was a month ago with this.  Blessed I am.
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A wonderful friend sent me an email card this morning.  It said ” The World Is A Better Place With You In It.”  Had I been sent that card 2 years ago, I would have instantaneously shuddered in fear and shame inside.  Because I didnt feel that way. Even if I had received that e-card five years ago or 10 years ago I would not have believed it.  This is not to say that I completely accepted and agreed with the statement when I read it this morning. But working through depression allows me to entertain the possibility that the statement is true!The only way that I am able to have the perspective that I have about that e-card today is the point of reference of my history of depression. Between five and 10 years ago I was, “on top,” I had all of the things that many people strive for. However I still felt like I was a failure when the depression became overt.
finger touching nose of baby“Writing is the best anti-depressant.”[3] Since I have started writing about depression I have been given more and more relief from it. I was talking with a friend last night and I was talking about how when I am doing better the nuances of the world don’t seem like earth shattering events. When the depression is strong, not winning a hand in a friendly poker game can seem like the end of the world. Today when things don’t go my way, I am getting better at letting them roll off me and remembering how lucky I am to have been diagnosed with depression.
[1] Dr. Brene Brown[2]Rollo May[3]Fierce Dolan
123 Fanatic.  Permission comes from fear, Forgiveness from faith
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I am busy moving today and didnt have time to write anything . This post was originally posted on 4-10 my birthday.  I changed the pics!!
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5 thoughts on “[P]erfectionism…often the path to depression[i]

  1. Well, I’m an Eeyore gal through and through but I love Pooh also. You sounded good the other day…you’re getting that vim and vinegar back!

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