There are only 4 of us who attend on a regular basis. Depression, even though I believe more people than 4 in the AA community of Napa, California suffer with it, is not a “hot” topic to discuss. Duh!! It has been the same 4 from the inception, just about.
Well there is this crazy guy, I am going to call him Crazy Horse, who came to meeting for 3-4 weeks about 2 months ago. He had an axe to grind with one of the members, a festering resentment, and he decided to act out in front of the group. It disrupted the meeting. I was going to leave and not come back. The meeting had suddenly become unsafe for me. A friend of mine, who has been sober for over 30 years, we’ll call him Bedman, was going to kill the guy if he came back. The lawyer, who himself has over 20 years of sobriety even touched his anger a little!!!! Well Crazy Horse didnt come back until last night.
When the meeting started, it was normal. There was us 4 and a new person. Well when Crazy Horse walked in the room, the energy changed in a heartbeat. You could see that Bedman was pissed off. The secretary was nervous. I was instantly angry, but it was from what a dear friend calls, my “Papa Bear,” attitude, from my being protective over the members of that meeting, over that meeting. That meeting is the one of only two meetings a week I need to go to.
Crazy Horse’s appearance made the meeting unsafe again. I was angry that it wanst safe to be open. I also saw that all my friends, the Bedman, the attorney and the secretary, did not feel safe either.
So no one talked, well except the new guy who was oblivious to Crazy Horse’s behavior in the past. But the 4 of us were not comfortable. It was like that for 15-20 minutes. Silence in the meeting. Whoa!!!
But I sat back and saw the perfect manifestation of people getting better. A number of the people in the meeting stated what was going on for them. Not pointing the finger at Crazy Horse, but being open about where they were. I continued to observe Crazy Horse and he was oblivious to what was going on.
Then the Bedman spoke. He broke all the cross talk rules and turned to Crazy Horse and said “You are not welcome here.” Wow!! That set off the group deciding that we were going to end the meeting 20 minutes early and the 4 of us regular attendees are going to meet at Bedman’s house next week!
What does this have to do with depression? We resolved an emotional conflict we as a group had and we took care of ourselves and didnt have to slink off to suffer in that depressed, fearful, hopeless state.
I am proud to say that we solved a problem without it turning into a confrontation that almost always never ends good!
Forgiveness comes from love, permission is needed usually only out of fear.