“If killing yourself is not an option anymore, you have to sink into the darkness instead, and make something out of it.” 
I had this grand idea of what I was going to write about and then I read the above quote and it knocked me back a few steps. Because that is where I found myself a short, yet what seems so long at the same time, 5 years ago.
Terrence Real said that the only way out of covert depression is to go through overt depression. I hated hearing that but it saved my life. At the time I was taking meds and still trying to keep the darkness away from me. Even though I couldn’t, even though the meds weren’t working, I still wanted to try because I had done that my whole life.
There is nothing scarier than the darkness and the unknown at the same time. That’s what my life had become.
If I let go, if I truly TRUSTED Ggod, that I would be screwed.
I have quoted Campbell a number of times, “the fates lead those who will and drag those who wont.” Was I led here or was I drug? I think I was drug here but I really don’t know. Does it really matter? I dont think so, but I am brainiac you know, at least according to the fanatic.
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  Its not like I preferred to crawl, its that is what I thought I had to do. That was my lot. My family mentality was that we were sort of in a caste system. My Dad’s shame was so strong and so was my Moms.
It is a struggle even to this day at times to break out of it.
We carve out risk-free lives where nothing happens.  This is what I have known for 50+years and it is so easy to fall back into that unconscious state of comfortably numb. I think where the title of this piece comes in. I need help and that is so hard for me to own to you. I always have played the role of the strong, not silent, but the strong type.
I have a huge ego with an inferiority complex. Why, cause I am scared and I need your help. I absolutely hate that feeling yet it is the only way I get to be whole. If I dont ask you for help, I cant, not wont, but cant get better. If I dont ask for help, I sit in my own thoughts.
I have a wonderfully strong mind. I am intelligent, but there are things I cant figure out. I like to say we all have a blind spot and that is what our friends are for. To help us see it.
My friend the painter came over this morning at 6 :45 because I called him yesterday and said I need help. But I struggle to ask people to help me move over the weekend. Go figure!
Please help me see my blind side!
James Hillman Rumi  Emma Forrest Your Voice in My Head.
Forgiveness is what I get when I give love to those I want to hate, permission is what I will never get to if I rely on my mind to get there.