Aside

Can you help me please?

end-of-time-sylvain-lagarde

“If killing yourself is not an option anymore, you have to sink into the darkness instead, and make something out of it.” [3]

I had this grand idea of what I was going to write  about and then I read the above quote and it knocked me back a few steps.  Because that is where I found myself a short, yet what seems so long at the same time, 5 years ago.

rainforest-in-fog1Terrence Real said that the only way out of covert depression is to go through overt depression. I hated hearing that but it saved my life.  At the time I was taking meds and still trying to keep the darkness away from me.  Even though I couldn’t, even though the meds weren’t working, I still wanted to try because I had done that my whole life.

There is nothing scarier than the darkness and the unknown at the same time.  That’s what my life had become.

pathwayI couldn’t function in the outside world any more.  But I was scared shitless to let go of my idea that if I did  truly let go I wouldn’t die.  You see that is what I have always felt.

If I let go, if I truly TRUSTED Ggod, that I would be screwed.

I have quoted Campbell a number of times, “the fates lead those who will and drag those who wont.”  Was I led here or was I drug?  I think I was drug here but I really don’t know.  Does it really matter?  I dont think so, but I am brainiac you know, at least according to the fanatic.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” [2] Its not like I preferred  to crawl, its that is what I thought I had to do.  That was my lot.  My family mentality was that we were sort of in a caste system.  My Dad’s shame was so strong and so was my Moms.

It is a struggle even to this day at times to break out of it.

wooden-fence-alex-lewisWe carve out risk-free lives where nothing happens. [1]  This is what I have known for 50+years and it is so easy to fall back into that unconscious state of comfortably numb. I think where the title of this piece comes in.  I need help and that is so hard for me to own to you.  I always have played the role of the strong, not silent, but the strong type.

the-dusks-of-fall-john-adamsI have a huge ego with an inferiority complex.  Why, cause I am scared and I need your help.  I absolutely hate that feeling yet it is the only way I get to be whole.  If I dont ask you for help, I cant, not wont, but cant get better.  If I dont ask for help,  I sit in my own thoughts.

I have a wonderfully strong mind.  I am intelligent, but there are things I cant figure out.  I like to say we all have a blind spot and that is what our friends are for.  To help us see it.

My friend the painter came over this morning at 6 :45 because I called him yesterday and said I need help.  But I struggle to ask people to help me move over the weekend.  Go figure!

Please help me see my blind side!

[1]James Hillman [2]Rumi [3] Emma Forrest Your Voice in My Head.

Forgiveness is what I get when I give love to those I want to hate, permission is what I will never get to if I rely on my mind to get there.

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stubborn-look1finger touching nose of baby

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11 thoughts on “Can you help me please?

      • I Hope the covers smell good
        Cuz if they do
        It can give us that respite
        in the fucking moment
        that can make the difference between
        wanting a knife or just a beer

  1. I always feel that you write so beautifully, a response from me would be mute. I do, however, want to communicate with you and decided I must just “jump in” and see how it goes. I came across this quote tonight: Holding on to anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. – Deepak Chopra … now, I don’t know if this really applies within the context of the message you are trying to get across, but I found this and wanted to share it with you. You speak of the shame carried in your family. I, too, come from a family with “generational” shame. Shame that is passed on from one generation to the next. I remember, clearly, the day my mom came to me and told me it was time I knew the family secret (I was 16). I remember the deep, dark, so serious countenance she carried on her face. I thought, “this is serious stuff”. I couldn’t imagine what it could be. She then told me the story of how she was an illegitimate child. Now, I am a child of the sixties and friends of mine were getting pregnant right and left. I could not fathom why this was so serious…at the time. Well, I now know that during my mom’s generation, this was a “shameful” act. It was her generation’s point of view and she got to live in a world that judged her because of the circumstances of her very birth. That makes me feel sad. “Comfortably Numb”, the song by Pink Floyd, is one of my favorite songs. The song being, of course, about a bandmember, who is so “out of it” around his drug use, that he requires a “fix” in order to finish the concert. I never stuck a needle in my arm, but I tried every other type of drug to put me into that state of mind known as “comfortably numb”. Anything to get out of my reality. The drug use evolved into the alcohol abuse, but the desired effect was still the same, “comfortably numb”. That space in time where I didn’t have to think about my reality. I could dance around in this manufactured world and feel peace for at least that short period of time. It worked…for awhile. I don’t know if this has helped you in your current struggle. I find it sometimes helps me to know of someone else’s struggle. It’s a perception thing for me. I have always been affected by your life’s stories. I am drawn to you in a way I cannot explain. You stand out in my life. I know this may sound strange, but it is true. I have the deepest admiration for you in your journey. I love the way you are so deeply honest with yourself. You have taught me so much through sharing your struggles and your pain. You also intimidate me which is why I hesitate to respond to your writings. I am such a non-confrontational person that when I am around you during one of your “moments”, I shrink away in some semblance of fear. But this is my problem, not yours. I have to go to acceptance. Accepting you for all of you because there are parts of you that are so important to me I need to just know you are not going to chew me up and spit me out. Does that sound rude? I hope not. I hope the truth can be shared between us and this is my truth.

    Thank you, Jim Jeanie

  2. I was re-reading my previous post and realized I forgot to mention one other important thing. I love your quickness to laughter and then your wholeheartedly good laugh. It is a joy to hear.

  3. I absolutely adore the quote. It is the same concept that has been going through my mind in recent weeks. Once I stopped feeling bad about the depression, I wonder if there was an element of surrender. All I know is that I’m in a better place today than in the last 13 years.

    One of the things I treasure about blogging is how other people’s experience and wisdom can validate my own

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