At the darkest moment comes the light(1)


Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may have actually given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse. (3) This statement more than any other statement to me shows that I dont have mental illness, I am driven by unresolved emotional conflicts that are so powerful that they cause me to behave in a way that it is not always in my best interests.  ACA says that depression is really unresolved grief and sadness and I agree.  My ability to recognize this and to get help, not in the traditional ways, but by alternatives to the psychoanalytical route, have made it so these conflicts have less an effect on me than they did.

mourningdovesI had a hard day today for a while based on an unresolved conflict I have deep in me.  My response to stimulus this morning was one of anger and rage.  It was that way for about five minutes directly and I walked through the feelings off and on for the rest of the day.

It is a painful and dangerous undertaking to tunnel into one’s self and to force ones way down into the shaft of one’s being by the nearest path.(2) It is the hard path of constant work towards healing that doesnt conform with my mind set of what should be done and how fast.  I am inpatient and want to heal NOW!  I was talking with the Leprechaun the other day and we both owned how impatient we were and we agreed that our intellect was a detriment to healing in this way.

puffins-lucy-hollisMy life has been driven by these conflicts and for the most part I  never have had a clue and still don’t have a conscious clue about them.   These were many of the major events in my life that shaped me. What I have learned is that though those memories are no longer present for me to recall, they still can affect how I look at the world.

love-bird-yellow-mohamad-faizal-omarHowever, I have learned that there are ways to eliminate if not at least significantly reduce the effect those sometimes quite forgotten emotional conflicts have over me. Mindfulness meditation is NOT one of them.

123 Fanatic.  To forgive is divine, to ask permission is human.


[1] Joseph Campbell
[2] Fredrich Nietzsche, Untimely Meditations
[3] Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Step 8, pgs 79-80.


6 thoughts on “At the darkest moment comes the light(1)

  1. If anyone says you are mentally ill, than THEY are mad. You seem very sain to me… I find this tendancy to pathologize almost everything slightly “off the track” very dangerous… what do we want? A society of functioning zombies? As long as reckless bankers and economy sharks are considered “sound”, I believe the western society’s notion of what is “normal” is off the track.

    • Thank You Eva. I think that is what the economic system wants. People to get better so they can get back to work. HMOs limit the times and frequency someone can get emotional and mental health help, but will prescribe away when it comes to drugs. Makes no sense to make an unnatural answer more accessible than a natural one.
      It is always a pleasure to see your name near our blog. I am honored that you read it.

      • Yes, I know…but funny enough most people just don’t see it that way until one day they collapse. Yesterday the CEO from the biggest telecom company in this country committed suicide – economy eats its children.
        I hope you find space to find your ground and I like to read your thoughts, because they provoke thoughts in me too.

  2. What’s the deal with mindfulness?
    Do you think your depression is *all* grief and sadness, or is there “more” to it, e.g. a chemical side? I ask because it’s interesting, the different angles people have on this, and the different routes taken to get “better”

  3. Depression is a change in the body chemistry based on stress, from in my case stimulus of fight or flight from the abuse and the lifestyle I learned to live based on my role models’ behavior.
    Here are a couple of link that discuss the chemical action, but I dont believe we are all born with this. I would agree that some people were born with this but most of us are responding to the stimulus we have to deal with societally.
    Depression in the U.S. is supposed to be increasing dramatically in the near future. Why would that be if we have all the anti-depressants that we do, and the psychoanalysis that we do. James Hillman said that it is a dis-ease that has cultural bases and not biological ones. The society, the culture is getting sick as a result of the stress that we all now live under to survive

  4. BeckyBee,
    As for mindfulness meditation, here is an article from yesterday that says some interesting things.
    As I believe that my dis-ease is an emotional one, these emotions need to come out. I dont always get to choose when they come out. The way we have framed what meditation “should” be does not allow for them to come out when the inner wisdom says they will.
    Thanks for being the inquisitive soul that you are

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