What I am learning about myself is that I can change my response to that feeling, that point in time, when the anger starts spiraling to a place where I am usually out of control, where it becomes rage. I have experienced my worst troubles in interpersonal relationships based on those feelings.
“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” I am dealing with a relationship that has been a source of tremendous resentment for me. IT comes and goes as the processes around the legal system work out. But as they say in AA, I want to talk about the principles involved and not the personalities. Because the minute I start throwing rocks at someone I am acutely aware how fragile my glass house is, so I am going to do the best I can to keep it about what the process is for emotionally.
When the interactions take place between this person and me, I usually feel such venom swirling around inside. Terrible feelings in the pit of my stomach many time. I usually start having arguments with this person in my mind. Yes arguing with them in my mind only. It is usually trying to make them admit that they were wrong about something that happened already and which was nothing but a memory.
“The demon that you can swallow gives you it’s power, and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply.”I made a conscious decision last week to adopt the title of this post as a way of trying to look at my relationship with this person. I have decided not to live in the resentment of the relationship but to focus that energy on resolving some of the issues that still remain between us and more than anything, to empower myself to take some action that will make it so I am proactive in dealing with the relationship and putting my focus on doing something for myself instead of complaining about how I feel about this person. It takes a lot of the energy away from the situation in the minute that usually leads me to saying likes “screw you,” or “You are as stupid as you look,” to them in my mind.
“All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.” This is the hardest part many times to accept about myself. I can be cold, distant and aloof. I can end a relationship in a second. I can become indifferent in a minute if the person(s) I am interacting with is not acting the way I expect them to. I was watching a clip by James Hillman today and he talked about how we get older our character develops more. He was talking about how our “dark side,” our character, gets to come out more. I agree. I think I am finally getting a chance to integrate those parts of myself that I have run from my whole life.
I tried to suppress those resentments that were uncomfortable to deal with in the moment because I wasnt able to stand out for myself many of those times. I always wanted to “tear out” my anger. To act like it wasnt there. I have chosen partners based on that needing to be suppressed. I cant do it anymore.
How is this related to “mental health,” issues. As I have said all along, my mental health issues have always been about unexpressed emotions that have festered in me and made it so I would abuse myself to try and not toexperience those emotions.
I am what I am and my Ggod is there for me. I dont know if Ggod loves me, but that doesnt matter. Ggod is there.
All quotes from Joseph Campbell. 123
Forgiveness is a given, permission is not.