I cant explain what it is that drives me to try to do this, to try and tell you what is happening to me psychically, when I cant totally understand it intellectually myself. I have traversed a pretty rocky road, by today’s terms, in the last few years. Yet there is something inside of me that smiles with a joy that can only be explained as childlike.
My friend and I the leprechaun chat a lot and meet regularly. When we are doing our thing, there are times we can see on the outside what the other person is feeling. It is intuitive and I cant explain it any more than that. What I can tell you is that there are times when I can look at him and for a split second, I mean a nanosecond, I can see a smile on his face, which is an outward manifestation of his emotions. The leprechaun has a very stoic look normally, as he has practiced it for his 88 years and he is really, really good at it.
From small things big things someday come. Reading the “Soul’s Code” by Hillman today. Working on the theory, I don’t think I am the first person to articulate this theory, that the issues that fuel my dis-ease(this encompasses all of my “stuff”) are not mental but are emotional conflicts that are unresolved and triggered the fight or flight response when stress comes up.
In “Soul’s Code” Hillman writes on page 40, “It cant shed its own supernal calling, sensing itself both in lonely exile and in cosmic harmony.” As I wrote this sentence I remembered being young and seeing the stars, seeing them as a student would see a book for the first time.
The powerful feeling of seeing something so big, yet right in front of me, but at the same time, seeing myself as some “thing” out there in my little world in the town where I grew up. The stars seemed so small, but at the time they were bigger than I could ever imagine myself being. By this time of my life, I had already decided that everything was too big for me to fathom, including all of my relationships with those we were my guardians.
We count for something only because of the essential we embody.  This is the struggle for self, to understand what it is we are. All of the culture, at least the culture that this writer is in, wants us to work towards some sort of normalcy. The law has the “reasonable person,” standard to try and make the law objective.*
Psychotherapy is about getting us feeling normal. I have resigned myself to, no, come to accept is a better term, that following my bliss is never going to give me a feeling of normalcy. Like Hillman says, we are going to come to accept those differences in us.
I earlier talked about the little girl who wore 4 hats and stripes with polka dots when she would go out. That is who we all are, no not picking the same form she chose to be in, but we are all unique. I have worked my whole life to try and fit in and it is what almost killed me.
I drank and took drugs because I couldn’t fit in, I couldn’t feel normal. Now I am accepting that I am not. I don’t know what I am, but I know I am not the “Dark blue suit, white shirt and ancient looking kind of tie” guy.
It is slow to anchor and quick to fly. The feeling that this statement images is one of discontent and yes fear. It is only my paradigm of how the world “should be,” brings out that response to the words.
If I was to advise someone today about how to live their life, I would say simply, “Take the chances that the mind screams no to.”
 Joseph Campbell  Bruce Springsteen From Small Things  James Hillman The Soul’s Code  C. G. Jung*The law, at least civil law where I live, is so far from objective. A judge said to me a while back, “The law is not about principles, it is about money.” I could not espouse a paradigm any better than that.
123. Ggod gives us forgiveness, but you never have to ask for it.