Loving Kindness of the Fanatic

u-send-me-an-angel-quemasSeemed like any other Sunday, up early for the meditation meeting and then coffee with my dear friend. I sat in the sun with my delicious iced coffee coaxing me to be fully awake and present.  Rarely do our conversations rest on the surface of what is really going on for us.  We don’t smile at each other and carry on about who did this or that or what happened on survivor last night.  We sit with each other and talk about the real stuff…the dis-ease as he would say.

IMG00973It is so hard for me to bring voice to my innermost thoughts.  Often, I just get quiet or I will cry when I am unable to release the thoughts for you to hear.  Lucky for me, my dear friend is kind, caring and supportive. He accepts me and my process as it is. He encourages me to write when I can’t speak. There isn’t anything I can’t say to him and he won’t judge me. Knowing this means the world to me.

IMG00733So, as we were sitting and sharing “where we are” it was mentioned he may move to another town.  My heart sank. It was like in Charlie Brown when he talks to his teacher..wha wha wha..I don’t think I heard his next 1-3 sentences. But then, all I wanted to do was push the thought of him leaving out of my mind so I focused on his words once again. After a short time, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said” I really don’t want you to leave. It is selfish, I know!”

rainbow st helenaI am an Air Force brat. I moved several times as a kid and said goodbye to important people far too many times. I am not good at it.  In my experience, the relationships fade as new lives are forged.  I am fearful this will also be the case w my dear friend. Lets just get all my fears out into the open: he will forget me, wont need or want me in his “new” life, I will fall apart without him.  Do I sound like a kid right now?

SunsetI just remember each time I moved I had to find a way to fit in, to be accepted. I became a chameleon of sorts. I learned to wear a mask and be who you wanted me to be. I also stopped sharing how I felt on the inside. I started to shut down emotionally. I cried each day in the counselor’s office only to “get it together” before my mom picked me up from school.  I wore my mask around her as i was not allowed to feel sadness or anger about moving. She made this perfectly clear and I obliged. It’s what any good daughter would do.

cropped-heart3You see, the relationship i have with my dear friend is such that no masks are necessary, tears are welcomed, dark days are accepted. I am accepted. I can storm through his front door and feel safe.  Now where will I go?
Wow! So the mere thought of him leaving caused a huge ruckus inside.  I can’t convey how integral his friendship has been in my journey.  Yet, I want nothing but the best for him and will do absolutely everything I can to support him in his journey.  He trusts he will be led in the right direction.  I will be behind him for as long as I can!

stubborn-look1finger touching nose of baby

123  Forgiveness is a given, permission is not


5 thoughts on “Loving Kindness of the Fanatic

  1. None of this sounds childish, at all. It sounds like anyone would feel. Add to that your past experiences and actually you are doing amazingly well with your friend moving, compared to how you *could* be reacting. Impressed at how you’re handling it, and I’m sorry that your friend is leaving but hopefully it will all come good.

    Things do.

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