What I cannot say yet desperately need you to hear.
Strangled, the words remain lodged in my throat.
They drop from my mind, but I cannot give them voice.
I can’t release them to you.
I know they keep me trapped,
wrapped tightly in despair and
tear at my thin and fragile soul.
I have become lifeless, or so it feels
as I go through the motions of hiding
and denying and lying.
Does the mask fit?
It’s too painful to stay in yesterday, today and tomorrow.
What am I left with?
I hate myself.
I hate what the depression has done to me.
I can’t think, concentrate or focus.
I can no longer rely on myself.
now I feel unsteady and wildly unsure.
I don’t know who i am or where i belong.
Is there room in the world for someone like me?
Unable to fill my role of wife, friend, worker.
Suicidal thoughts plague me, entice me, taunt me.
Freedom is found in these thoughts.
My strength and desire to keep fighting is depleting.
I feel unsafe with myself these past few days.
I take my meds but wonder why.
My mind tells me it is perfect timing for him to go out of town.
The plan is brilliant.
I am deeply afraid.
i never used to be scared.
I try to open my mind and heart to what is.
But I need relief. I need peace.
I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.
I feel hopeless.
I am ashamed I cannot get my brain to function the way I need it to
I am ashamed that I hate myself so fiercely
I am ashamed I have depression and could not work
I am ashamed I see myself as fat, ugly and worthless
I am ashamed I cannot fully participate in my marriage
I am ashamed of how selfish I have become
I can’t do this.
Yet those words can never be heard in the light of day.
123 Forgiveness is necessary, permission less so.