I went to see my Step Mom today. My girlfriend and I were given tickets to the County Fair and a Fire Hot Barbecue contest at the Fair in Calistoga and we decided to stop in and see my Step Mom who lives right outside of town.
“The person is made up of multiple, dynamic faces that should be kept in tension rather than “integrated” into some sentimental notion of wholeness.”(1) When we were at my Step Moms house(feels weird not to say my Dads!) we were all chatting about how she was doing since he died. She talked in the general way we can do and do when we are not sure if we want to divulge something to another or not.
But she said something out of the blue that I was so touched by. She said ” I contemplated suicide,” and then went on and gave a description of how she was going to do it. What I felt then was such empahty for her and her plight. She and my Dad were married about 34 years and pretty happily for all appearances.We had a wonderful chat and we then went to her favorite Mexican restuarant.
While there the topic was very light and fun. I enjoy sitting with her and giving her the attention she has always given me. My Step Mom has been one of the few people in my life who never judged me for what I said. She knew my Dad and I had a hard past. She never tried to get me to make things be different than how they REALLY were. I am grateful for that. She asked me to give a eulogy for my Dad. I was honored and spoke my truth, respectfully and she was honored by it.
What I noticed was that after lunch we started talking about some members of our families and I could see her start to go into resentment. It was so sad because when we were in the intuitive part of life, looking at her new vegetable garden, her sweet potato plants, she was carefree, relaxed, easy going
“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” (2) When I watched my Step Mom go where she went into the resentments, I heard the same rules that have been perpetrated my whole life. Anger for those who dont treat us the way we expect to be treated. Continued division, keeping separate, staying isolated from those we love because of nothing more than thoughts. Because of thoughts!!!
I am as bad an offender as anyone with this if I am not working hard to stay in the present. Bless my Step Mom, she loves and is loved. Crazy, yes, but who I am to criticize crazy!!!
123 Fanatic I seek forgiveness but dont ask for permission.
(1) James Hillman(2) Albert Einstein