“The demon that you can swallow gives you it’s power and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply” [i] The Picture to the right is the “Ggod Damn Demon.”
I swallowed the Ggod Damn Demon a long time ago. And as I started to grow up, physically, that demon started to grow also. The only way that demon could grow was by sucking energy from me. And it sucked that energy from my spirit, because that energy was limitless at that time. As the energy started to be depleted from me, I started to develop anxiety. This anxiety came about because I wasn’t changing in ways that I knew I needed to change. But therein rose the first dilemma that I faced in relation to the Ggod damned demon.
My mirrors, my teachers, couldn’t grow either and couldn’t show me how to grow. However, the Ggod damn demon needed feeding. But that little boy inside, my spirit, didn’t want to live that way. So he went to sleep.
So by the time I was in fifth or sixth grade I was feeding that demon drugs and alcohol. I was giving it the only “Spirit” I could find because my spirit went to sleep! I looked all around for someone to teach me that I didn’t have to feed the demon, but I couldn’t find anyone. My mirrors were doing exactly the same thing. Just choose your poison they taught me. Alcohol, cigarettes, pills, drugs, television, soda, candy, disassociation!
The demon needed to be fed more and more as it grew. When I didn’t feed the Ggod damn demon the demon started to manifest itself as fear, anger, rage! IT was hungry Ggod damn it! So now the demon was larger than anything else inside of me. I was scared of the Ggod damn demon, I was afraid of something and I didn’t even know what it was or for that matter where it was.
“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me; All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.”[ii] So the Ggod damn demon continues to grow, and grow, and grow. But I’ve got to keep it down because it acts in ways that aren’t healthy for me when it gets angry that it’s not being fed. I am afraid of the Ggod damn demon. I am afraid of something inside of me and I dont even know what or where it is.
Therein was created the dilemma that I could never solve. I couldn’t kill the Ggod damn demon, or even control it, because I didn’t know that I had it. So now as a teenager I’m almost in a stupor. The Ggod damn demon was in control. My brain still functioned, but my mind was already controlled by the Ggod damn demon. So I don’t even know what reality is anymore by this time.
“You don’t know where you are or where your dreams end and the world begins.” [iii] I am no longer in my body. The Ggod damn demon controls that. The Ggod damn demon controls my mind. All the while the Ggod damn demon needs more, more, more! I don’t know what to do anymore. By high school I am constantly feeding the Ggod damn demon drugs and alcohol.
By this time I don’t have any energy to do anything else except for feed the Ggod damn demon. So what do I do, I start acting like the Ggod damn demon doesnt exist. “I’m fine.” I don’t talk about anything with anyone. All I do is try to find food for the Ggod damn demon. So I have no energy to talk and the only energy I have is to feed the Ggod damn demon st, so I’m done “needing,” help.
“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.”[iv] So by the time I’m out of high school I am stoic, stoned-faced, and quiet. The only time that I’m not is when I’m feeding the Ggod damn demon all of the “spirits” I could find.
What I am learning is by releasing more and more of the pain from those deep seated emotional conflicts, the Deamon has less need to try and intervene in the day. Not that it doesnt want to, its that there is not as much emotional charge around the events of my day.
NOT that I am not anger/fear/sadness/pain free. Its that it is less dominant so that the GgDD has to try and take contrel.
[i] Joseph Campbell, [ii] Sylvia Plath, [iii] Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life, [iv] Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life.
Please remember, It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.