Aside

The twisted thoughts of the Fanatic.

photo LA Rhonda 1Is it too much to ask for peace and serenity? Is it too much to ask for loving kindness to be extended to my self by my self? Is it too much to ask to feel whole?
Some days I feel like I am wandering around without a tether to reality.  Lost in my own mind I create such stories that often hold little truth.  While entrenched in these false beliefs, my mind goes haywire.

tahoe treesDriving to the airport before the crack of dawn for my business trip I had several suicidal thoughts.  I would say more towards actually formulating a plan than the general I don’t want to be here any more. Just 2 days ago I was feeling quite high. My best analogy is like superwoman. I felt larger than life, invincible, literally glowing, and able to walk on water (if need be). What a great day spent watching Major League Baseball in the glorious sun topped off by listening to my favorite band under the stars. I was present and accounted for. Yet, my mind still wanted to venture off into self destruction.

img_1278A random intrusive thought that I should have slit my wrists in the bathroom of the restaurant came roaring at me. It was even louder than the concert I was thoroughly enjoying. I can’t help but ask WHY this happens to me even in the best of times.
Please tell me…does this happen to you?
I completely understand there are times I invite, possibly even entice, this mode of thinking. I will be the first to admit I can easily go there. But, I just don’t understand why it continues to happen in the small windows of time i can let go and enjoy myself.  It is troubling to me.

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As I write this from my hotel room far away from my support network, I feel my heart pick up pace and I’m probably holding my breath. I said I wasn’t going to think any more today. Truth is this haywire mind never turns off. My dear friend said what a lovely and entertaining committee you have! Best I can do right now is just keep in close contact w those that care about me, breathe, ask myself where I am in this moment, and share the twisted thoughts of a fanatic.

123.  Permission comes from need, forgiveness comes from love!

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannonfinger touching nose of baby

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7 thoughts on “The twisted thoughts of the Fanatic.

  1. Keep only supportive people around you and keep the toxic manipulators away. When traveling, carry a small, meaningful object to “ground you” by its touch – a keychain, an animal totum, prayer beads – something to remind you of your worth.

  2. Unexpected, violent intrusive thoughts? Yes, that has happened to me as well. I don’t know where they come from. Something that I have found helpful (not 100% but pretty helpful) is change the image. For example if a thought comes to me of jumping from a high window, then I switch it to something less violent, like a feather gracefully floating down (I love feathers) or a hawk careening down and pulling up right at the last minute. Since I have been doing that I have less of those thoughts. I don’t know why.

    Do you have the number for a suicide hotline? I have never called them, but I know people who have and they tell me they are very helpful.

    Do what you can to hold on. Things will get better, I know that is hard to believe, I remember feeling that way too…like there was the pain, and there would only ever be the pain, but depression lies. It will get better. I’m glad you shared what you are feeling with us, now talk to someone else. Keep talking.

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