“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” Ggod has this wonderful sense of humor. I just read a post by a wonderful lady who is dying. Her courage and faith were uplifting to me. It is amazing how Ggod “works” into my consciousness, because Ggod is there ALL the time. The only amazing part is my lack of awareness, of truly knowing, not believing, but knowing that this is how Ggod works.
There’s one major resentment that I have that blocks me from really letting go. Who it is isn’t important.
Because it’s about me, about my fear. I was watching a video the other night that my friend Monica had posted, just for me, in her blog “Beyond Meds,” and it talked about being in this place of love or being in this place of fear.What I got out of it that when I am in this place of fear, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if I’m defending myself against my landlord or working towards keeping my favorite AA meeting from becoming chaotic. If it comes from fear, the intention doesnt matter. I cant attract people to me that way. Even if they agree, they pick up the fear and are repelled by it. I am not criticizing or condemning myself.
When I was in court the other day for the most part I could stay centered. Yet as I look back on it, I wasn’t operating out of love. I was operating out of fear. And because my position was truly a position of truth, then what was keeping me from operating out of that position, out of love for all of the people in the room. Because I have this fear that runs through every fiber of my being.
There’s no room in my head, more accurately stated, there’s no room in my mind, when the only thing I can think of is that I’m not enough, I dont have anything to offer, no matter what it is. I am afraid.
It’s the same way with every relationship that I have with every other human being. Do I come to that relationship with abundance or do I come to that relationship from scarcity. I’ve been so afraid my whole life that somehow, some way, I am not enough.
If I am not enough, that I have nothing to give you. And I know this is only in my mind, yet this is what is real to me as I sit here in this minute. Here is where the education that I carry is the things thatkeeps me from learning. I knew as soon as I put that quote down, the wacky one from the Fanatic that is the title of this piece, on my computer that this was where it was going.
My mind wants to say let’s talk about how smart we are and let’s talk about that kind of education. But that education is nothing more than feeding the mind into saying that if I keep doing more of the nose to the grindstone crap I have done for 40+years, that I can fill that hole inside of “I am not enough.”
“I dont have to have faith, I have experience. “ It is amazing. I can look at my dear friend and watch her walk through the pain that most cant, or wont walk through. I dont have faith that she is going to be okay. I know by looking at her courage to sit in the feelings that accompany “those deep seated, sometimes quite forgotten, emotional conflicts that persist below the level of our concsiousness,” that she is okay, right now she is okay. She, like me, just needs that encouragement that my first therapist and others gave to me. That is all we ever need.
 Albert Einstien  Joseph Campbell.
*I was chatting with the Fanatic and she said that and pointed at her head. I knew I was to write about it right there and then.
Forgiveness is divine, permission from the mind.
This guys blog is a good one for a intelligent discussion about depression from one who is