I was in a lot of pain today. Not because I stubbed my toe or my cat scratched me. I think I would have gladly accepted that kind of physical pain. The mental anguish I experienced over the course of the day was overwhelming. For starters, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. Literally could not will my body to swing over the side of the bed and plant my feet on the floor. My mind kept repeating…you have so much to do today. I couldn’t move. Again a plea….the longer you wait you are only screwing yourself. Sooo much to do today. No movement.
A few hours go by. I really give myself a talking to…Seriously Fanatic get out of this bed this minute. Enough time has been wasted. This time I respond in kind.
I arrive at work determined there will be no tears and I will accomplish everything on my list. Yet, my brain is not in agreement. It’s as if I have amnesia. I cannot remember the discussion from yesterday which is the purpose of my first conference call. I cannot locate a document that I need to present to my supervisor in my meeting w her. Here come the tears. Next extreme self doubt. This fuels my anxiety. First, i could not move and now I cannot think. Stuck at work, I just want to crawl under my desk and die.
Knowing this isn’t an option, I run outside and call my husband. He is kind and patient reminding me to breathe, as I’m most likely holding my breath, and to take one thing at a time. He reminds I CAN do this new job and he believes in me.
Calmly I return to my desk to tackle a different task. Perhaps a change in strategy is the ticket. I’m just going to cut to the chase here. I was knee deep and lost in depression today. Couldn’t focus, concentrate, participate, think, move or keep from crying. I do not feel on solid ground.
Days like today scare me. I fear they are going to continue and I will be back where I started 3 months ago.
But, tomorrow is a new day and all I can really do is try again. Oh and remember to breathe.
Written by the Fanatic
123 Forgiveness comes from the heart, permission comes from the mind. Follow the heart