This thought first germinated in my mind the other day when I was reminded of Corrie ten Boom and her classic book, The Hiding Place. Corrie and her family were Christians that helped rescue Jewish people from Hitler’s reign of terror. They helped a lot of people before they were caught and put into the camps themselves. Corrie lost her whole family, and yet she never seemed to waiver in her faith. She was even able to forgive one of the her tormentors.
Thinking about her I wondered, why can’t I be more like that? Why does my faith in God waiver? And my anger at Him flash up so easily? Then I remembered Corrie’s stories about her childhood. Such loving parents she had. She entered adulthood with a solid foundation of love which sustained her through the horrors of the Holocaust. What happens to children like me who are not given that foundation of love? We become adults who look like everyone else on the outside, but lack the foundation that others have. So we find ourselves scrambling to keep up.
I have to admit, I am in a really bad space right now. I promised myself I would only use “reposts” of old posts once a month. So here I am trying to write a blog post when what I really want to do is pull back from the world. If I were a snail I would pull into my shell. I don’t even want to go to therapy. I don’t want to talk to my therapist either.
What am I to do with all this disappointment? I feel like everyone will let you down sometimes. Yes, even God. Sure I believe He is perfect, and perhaps someday in hindsight I will understand this moment in my life, but right now I just feel abandoned.
And the anger, what am I to do with that? Popular opinion would tell me to “let it go”. If only I could. I am trying. Honestly. But what popular opinion doesn’t understand is that the anger is a cover for the pain. Such pain that most people will never understand. I’m glad that for those that never have to go through this, but I wish they would stop smiling for a moment and try to understand.
And then what to do with the pain? I can’t think about that right now, and I can’t not think about it either.
So what am I going to do? I’m going to stop crying, eat lunch and go to therapy. What else can I do? Most of all I am going to keep hoping that things will get better. I remember that in some other part of me that seemed possible. Some other part of me whispers that things are getting better, that I there was a dark time when I felt this way constantly, and even lost hope for a time. That was really bad, I can never lose hope again.
I don’t have a mitt for this game of life, but perhaps if it is my team’s turn to bat, hope will see me through.
****Written by the Illusionist who is a guest poster for today****
Better to forgive than be forgiven. Still better not to ask others how you should live.