I came straight home from work and started cleaning the house. I mean mopped the kitchen floor and got down on my hands and knees. Not because this is what I had planned to do, or even what I wanted to do. All hell had broken loose in my mind, and coincidentally the internal chaos made the external chaos of my house unbearable. Both were unbearable and I had to get into action to avoid feeling.
Well my kitchen floor is sparkling, my knees are red and the internal storm continues to brew. Am I not trying hard enough to get better? Am I not able to walk the walk? Am I beyond repair?
These of course are my fears. They feel so real and true and powerful. I constantly struggle with what is real and what is NOT real. I guess I thought I would be better by now. I mean come on, it’s been 70 days of madness already. Enough is enough.
My dear friend not only reminds me to breathe, but that I am not in charge. Dammit! I am ready for this to be done. Will the real Fanatic please stand up, it’s time to go. This is self will run riot!
My return to work has been a challenge. I’ve already broken promises to myself to help preserve my sanity. I’ve cried in my boss’s office. This is an utter disappointment to me. I couldn’t get it together before our meeting. It was my first official meeting to discuss what I needed to start tackling in the wake of my 2 month absence. I wanted so much to be strong. As if my presentation at this meeting defined everything about me. Here I am staring at that last sentence and faced w the realization I am only human.
One therapist told me it can be a blessing and a curse to be the type of person that feels as deeply as I seem to. I was over run with emotion that day. I guess I could have hid from my boss, or called in sick. But, it was important for me to show up..all of me.
As I stumble through this writing, tears falling, my mind churning, my demon lurking I have to believe, and I have to dig deep right now, I will find my place in this world again. I am not defined by a single moment, action or emotion. I really do have something to bring to the table. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
uno, dos, tres. No permission necessary or granted, forgiveness given by looking in the mirror.
Whatever you bring and whenever you bring it; always enough
You have to crawl before you walk; take it easy on yourself – give yourself permission to be human. Remember Julian of Norwich: “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”
Gives my feeling of being tossed a different meaning. Being creative brings out these feelings of real, not real I think. The mind vacillates seeing different outcomes, solutions, inspirations – even different realities.