I came straight home from work and started cleaning the house. I mean mopped the kitchen floor and got down on my hands and knees. Not because this is what I had planned to do, or even what I wanted to do. All hell had broken loose in my mind, and coincidentally the internal chaos made the external chaos of my house unbearable. Both were unbearable and I had to get into action to avoid feeling.
Well my kitchen floor is sparkling, my knees are red and the internal storm continues to brew. Am I not trying hard enough to get better? Am I not able to walk the walk? Am I beyond repair?
These of course are my fears. They feel so real and true and powerful. I constantly struggle with what is real and what is NOT real. I guess I thought I would be better by now. I mean come on, it’s been 70 days of madness already. Enough is enough.
My dear friend not only reminds me to breathe, but that I am not in charge. Dammit! I am ready for this to be done. Will the real Fanatic please stand up, it’s time to go. This is self will run riot!
My return to work has been a challenge. I’ve already broken promises to myself to help preserve my sanity. I’ve cried in my boss’s office. This is an utter disappointment to me. I couldn’t get it together before our meeting. It was my first official meeting to discuss what I needed to start tackling in the wake of my 2 month absence. I wanted so much to be strong. As if my presentation at this meeting defined everything about me. Here I am staring at that last sentence and faced w the realization I am only human.
One therapist told me it can be a blessing and a curse to be the type of person that feels as deeply as I seem to. I was over run with emotion that day. I guess I could have hid from my boss, or called in sick. But, it was important for me to show up..all of me.
As I stumble through this writing, tears falling, my mind churning, my demon lurking I have to believe, and I have to dig deep right now, I will find my place in this world again. I am not defined by a single moment, action or emotion. I really do have something to bring to the table. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.