Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.


I came straight home from work and started cleaning the house. I mean mopped the kitchen floor and got down on my hands and knees. Not because this is what I had planned to do, or even what I wanted to do.  All hell had broken loose in my mind, and coincidentally the internal chaos made the external chaos of my house  unbearable. Both were unbearable and I had to get into action to avoid feeling.
Well my kitchen floor is sparkling, my knees are red and the internal storm continues to brew.  Am I not trying hard enough to get better? Am I not able to walk the walk? Am I beyond repair?

These of course are my fears.  They feel so real and true and powerful.  I constantly struggle with what is real and what is NOT real. I guess I thought I would be better by now. I mean come on, it’s been 70 days of madness already. Enough is enough.
My dear friend not only reminds me to breathe, but that I am not in charge. Dammit! I am ready for this to be done. Will the real Fanatic please stand up, it’s time to go. This is self will run riot!
My return to work has been a challenge.  I’ve already broken promises to myself to help preserve my sanity.  I’ve cried in my boss’s office. This is an utter disappointment to me. I couldn’t get it together before our meeting.  It was my first official meeting to discuss what I needed to start tackling in the wake of my 2 month absence.  I wanted so much to be strong.  As if my presentation at this meeting defined everything about me.  Here I am staring at that last sentence and faced w the realization I am only human.

One therapist told me it can be a blessing and a curse to be the type of person that feels as deeply as I seem to.  I was over run with emotion that day. I guess I could have hid from my boss, or called in sick.  But, it was important for me to show up..all of me.

Inside OrionAs I stumble through this writing, tears falling, my mind churning, my demon lurking I have to believe, and I have to dig deep right now, I will find my place in this world again.  I am not defined by a single moment, action or emotion.  I really do have something to bring to the table. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannonfinger touching nose of baby100_1607uno, dos, tres.  No permission necessary or granted, forgiveness given by looking in the mirror.


3 thoughts on “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

  1. You have to crawl before you walk; take it easy on yourself – give yourself permission to be human. Remember Julian of Norwich: “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

  2. Gives my feeling of being tossed a different meaning. Being creative brings out these feelings of real, not real I think. The mind vacillates seeing different outcomes, solutions, inspirations – even different realities.

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