It’s so difficult when you look good on the outside yet feel so far from good and so alone on the inside. I had a deep bout of depression 1.5 yrs. ago where I couldn’t function and had to take a month off work. I came into the office each day gritting my teeth, burying my head in paperwork and praying to make it through the day. I would cry on my drive in to the office. Mind you, it wasn’t the job that had me down. The demon of depression had me good and I refused to give in, though I had no soul any longer. I was a shell of a person going through the motions each day.
A drastic, impulsive suicide gesture that rocked me to the core convinced me to take time off. For some reason, I wanted to tell my supervisor in person it was being recommended I take Dec. 2011 off. I wanted “to do right by him” and not have him hear it from HR. To be fair, his wife was dying of cancer at this time.
I walked into his office nervous, full of shame and guilt. He didn’t know that. I handed him the doctors note, he looked at me and said…”you don’t look sick.” I was devastated. I still get emotional when I think of it. I felt so shut down, so undeserving of taking care of myself, so….
I have had 2 hospitalizations during this bout/episode. The psychiatrist the first time around basically, after having talked to me for 5 minutes, determined I really had no reason to be depressed. After all, I had a stable husband, stable job, house, 2 cars, 2 cats. He said I was leaps and bounds above most in the hospital.
It can be hard for me to reconcile my depression because on one hand he is right. I didn’t lose a loved one either. Well, maybe that’s not entirely true. Somewhere I had lost my self. My sense of confidence, stability, meaning, purpose and reason for living. That’s a lot to lose in 2 months. At least it was for me. I feel like a baby deer whose legs are so shaky and it feels like the ground is moving beneath me and I can’t quite stand up on my own.
I have wonderful people who care about me. Yet, sometimes I still can’t reach out. Can’t verbalize I’m hurting.I’m confused. I’m feeling so alone. Lately, I have been pulling the covers over my head instead.
I have written a few posts lately about transition, moving forward, maybe even growth. I don’t want you to know I have taken 2 steps back. I feel far away from those posts, at least in this very moment. I am scared I can’t live up to those words and what it says about me: failure.
In my eyes, my dear friend has been so brave to be thrust back into a world he hates and ran from. He is standing up for himself and seeking justice in an unjust world. No matter what he is facing, his door is always open and he always hears you. His strength and fortitude is amazing to me.
In moments when I feel weak, scared, alone and that I can’t make it today I think of him. I think of all the people who share words of encouragement with each other on this blog. I think of the strength it takes each one of us to face the day. The bravery to take off our masks and be raw in our emotions and struggles. I may not know you in person, but I know you are out there. You are just like me and I thank you for being you.
Permission not needed, Forgiveness necessary—look in the mirror