My Ggod, I feel like I felt two years ago when I had already decided to go into the depression head on. Now that statement “head on,” is so silly when you think about how you’re going to face depression. It’s six o’clock on Friday night. I just got finished writing a whole bunch of legal stuff. What it is is not important because that’s not what I’m trying to get across to you.
I am at this place where two years ago if this had happened, I would go in my room, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep.
My wonderful friends came over this afternoon, but because I had to finish all that legal stuff I couldn’t join them. I was under that pressure again that I was under the whole time I was an attorney. It just sucks the life out of me.
But I also need to go back and get reinstated as an attorney. You see my depression got so bad that I couldn’t even respond to charges against me by the State Bar. I didnt do what I was charged with by the State bar but I could not even defend myself. My depression was so bad that I over slept on the date of my trial and a default was entered against me. I remember waking up at 1030 that morning and I was supposed to be in San Francisco at 830. At the depths of this hell I couldnt even get out of bed. I remember sitting in my living room that day my friend came over and all I did was cry for hours. That day was probably the second hardest I had in my whole life, the first being after my dog Baron died.
I still struggle with what I’m supposed to do, because doing what I’ve done in the last few days, acting as I had when I was a lawyer, sucks the life out of me and it hurts so bad
I’m so grateful for my friends the nomadlander and the painter. Because they were the only people who really gave a shit about how I really was when I was in the living hell of the depths of the depression.
There’s nothing worse in the depths of depression than trying to explain to someone how you feel. Because it’s a conflict, that is everything we know about how we are on the inside compared to how we are on the outside. I wanted to kill all those AA people who said, “just write a gratitude list,’ “work the steps.”
I don’t know if any of this is making sense, because I can’t stop crying as I am writing this. I don’t know what else to do except for just put this out and get this out of me and work through the pain I am feeling right now.
My Ggod dam deamon is really powerful in this moment. I am using everything I have inside of me to tell you who I am and my Ggod dam deamon is fighting me bad and telling me to shut the f’ up. That’s the illegitimate bastard right above here.
It’s a few minutes later and I’ve done my breathing. I am calmer than I was two minutes ago. I’m still very scared to put out what I wrote above and yet I know that I need to.
You see there’s only one person in this world who I give a damn about whether they know the truth or not about what happened to me these last few years. I need to put this truth out because it’s my truth and I want them to know it.
I went to the court this afternoon to file the documents that I had worked on for the last couple days. When I walked into the courthouse there was only a bailiff there.
He spoke to me in the respectable tone that I had earned as an attorney. He called me Mr.
Depression has torn away from the all of that self-respect that I had earned by accomplishing my goal of being an attorney.
I’m crying again and I feel like this loneliness won’t leave me alone.
123 Screw permission and doubly screw seeking forgiveness.