Aside

Sittin’ here resting my bones……

howling-wolf-img_assist_custom-600x594And this loneliness won’t leave me alone.[1] When Otis Redding does that song, sometimes it feels like it is blowing right through me.

My Ggod, I feel like I felt two years ago when I had already decided to go into the depression head on.  Now that statement “head on,” is so silly when you think about how you’re going to face depression.  It’s six o’clock on Friday night.  I just got finished writing a whole bunch of legal stuff. What it is is not important because that’s not what I’m trying to get across to you.

I am at this place where two years ago if this had happened, I would go in my room, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep.

My wonderful friends came over this afternoon, but because I had to finish all that legal stuff I couldn’t join them.  I was under that pressure again that I was under the whole time I was an attorney.  It just sucks the life out of me.

4-12But I also need to go back  and get reinstated as an attorney.  You see my depression got so bad that I couldn’t even respond to charges against me by the State Bar. I didnt do what I was charged with by the State bar but I could not even defend myself.  My depression  was so bad that I over slept on the date of my trial and a default was entered against me. I remember waking up at 1030 that morning and I was supposed to be in San Francisco at 830. At the depths of this hell I couldnt even get out of bed. I remember sitting in my living room that day my friend came over and all I did was cry for hours.  That day was probably the second hardest I had in my whole life, the first being after my dog Baron died.

I still struggle with what I’m supposed to do, because doing what I’ve done in the last few days, acting as I had when I was a lawyer, sucks the life out of me and it hurts so bad

I’m so grateful for my friends the nomadlander and the painter. Because they were the only people who really gave a shit about how I really was when I was in the living hell of the depths of the depression.

There’s nothing worse in the depths of depression than trying to explain to someone how you feel. Because it’s a conflict, that is everything we know about how we are on the inside compared to how we are on the outside. I wanted to kill all those AA people who said, “just write a gratitude list,’ “work the steps.”

I don’t know if any of this is making sense, because I can’t stop crying as I am writing this.  I don’t know what else to do except for just put this out and get this out of me and work through the pain I am feeling right now.

jokerMy Ggod dam deamon is really powerful in this moment. I am using everything I have inside of me to tell you who I am and my Ggod dam deamon is fighting me bad and telling me to shut the f’ up. That’s the illegitimate bastard right above here.

It’s a few minutes later and I’ve done my breathing. I am calmer than I was two minutes ago.  I’m still very scared to put out what I wrote above and yet I know that I need to.

2009 Mt Shasta to Oak street 139You see there’s only one person in this world who I give a damn about whether they know the truth or not about what happened to me these last few years. I need to put this truth out because it’s my truth and I want them to know it.

I went to  the court this afternoon to file the documents that I had worked on for the last couple days. When I walked into the courthouse there was only a bailiff there.

He spoke to me in the respectable tone that I had earned as an attorney. He called me Mr.

Depression has torn away from the all of that self-respect that I had earned by accomplishing my goal of being an attorney.

I’m crying again and I feel like this loneliness won’t leave me alone.

123  Screw permission and doubly screw seeking forgiveness.

finger touching nose of baby100_1607

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25 thoughts on “Sittin’ here resting my bones……

  1. Congratulations!!! Wow!! Filed your papers! Whoah! (Er, can the bailiff do that?) I don’t even know you and I am proud of you. Everyone needs and advocate, and most of us have none. You have done this for yourself!! Wow! And in the past you have done it for others!! In the future you may be able to advocate for others, as well !! You went all the bother of going to school all those years and doing all that tedious work…..how unselfish is that? I am impressed. Tears or no tears! Congratulations again!! —– Also, I am wondering, have you investigated Asperger’s ? — Bear

    • Okay, here is what my mind said…”I dont do my own investigating, I hire a private eye.”
      No I am convinced that any more labels will only make me blog about something else. I am sufficiently distorted enough to know that I am just that. Its all I need to know. Thanks dear lady!

      • “blog about something else” ??? Ha! Everything is the same thing. Only some folk have more insight and/or sensitivity than others. Gifts, albeit painful gifts. —- Aspies are not distorted. Unless the external environment has exerted twisting hurting force. The new DSM V as well as the old DSM IV are mostly hogwash. —- Your literal, and humorous mind’s response is telling.—- Bear

  2. NO, no, no. If I wanted you to go away, ask the Fanatic, I WOULD ASK YOU, in maybe not the most empathetic way. I support you doing what you do. I see what you do all day, trying to raise the consciousness of us who read this stuff!!
    Thats what I hate about the internet. No Ggod Damn Context when you are an emotional person rather an a logical one!!!
    “YOU go” ……means keep doing what you do!!

    • Your reply did not show in my “notifications”. I came to your blog to see if you did—or not. having WP glitches, (reader, likes, notifications) or maybe it is my ‘puter. —— In reply: ‘Fraid I’m not trying to do anything. I have such a bad opinion of most people that I believe the only way to raise their consciousness would be with a fork-lift. Mostly I am posting into the void, and amazed when conscious aware intelligent and even alert people respond. When I post comments I feel as if I am interrupting and being a buttinskie, but I do know there is the moderate feature (I’ve used it), so I do it anyway, occasionally. I have deleted some (of my) very good comments, too, as they were much too personally revealing, or they made reference to living persons who might recognize themselves). It is difficult to make a worthwhile comment without being liable, also. Thank you for the encouragement. Only an experienced empath would realize that a know it all, such as myself, needs a “You Go!” . Thank you for all that you have done.— Bear

    • Yes dear friend.
      Please look at my piece “Become the Authority of Your Own Life,” as it explains my way of looking at the therapy processes.
      But I have done it.

  3. Isnt it inter-stirring. I express what I express up above and the beautiful Zen man Ajaytao nominates me for an inner peace award!!!
    There is a Ggod and Ggod has a wicked sense of humor

  4. “I feel like this loneliness won’t leave me alone.” how strong this sentence is, do you know?
    is there a worse feeling of feeling alone no matter how many people say that they are with you?
    for me – no. those are the moments when i don’t know what to do with myself, when i feel like my skin is not elastic enough to take all the pressure inside.
    this will not help, i know, and i know it sounds like something that you heard zillion times before, but busymind and your other friend speak the truth. you are not alone!!! i am here, too!!! it is not a coincidence that we all found each others in this crazy virtual world full of possibility.

  5. I’ve met so many people since moving to this town two years ago. Why do I hang out with you? You are real. I know how hard it was to submit this post. Courage, man, courage.

    • Robin,
      Because it is a community blog, if it is posted by Fanatic or Nomadlander, I usually say it in the beginning but not alwasys. If you look under the “Likes” section of the posted it usually says who “wrote” the posted. For instance the one you just commented on, “Sitting here resting my bones, says, ”
      Posted on June 15, 2013 by shoe1000 under shoe1000 | 24 Comments | Edit
      I know this blog is not clear because this blog is not about who says it, but what is said.
      Thanks and hope to see more of you
      Jim

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