I have been told by folks in recovery no matter where you go, there you are. I see this in terms of the big picture. In terms of believing a geographic will change who you are. But, I think there is something to be said for getting out of dodge for a few days. We escaped to Tahoe. Awe…to be in nature. It seems slower up here. Truth be told, I am feeling a little less frantic than the past few days. Maybe it’s breathing in the mountain air, watching the ducks float by at their pace, or I feel okay in this very moment. I feel present.
There really isn’t any pressure at my house. We are fairly mellow folks who really do the same thing day in and day out Monday thru Friday. Now, this is speaking from my old “normal” life when I worked 9-5, came home cooked dinner and occasionally went to an AA meeting.
My life in the past 2 months has been the farthest from my perception of normal. I just now consider myself functioning. I can move about the cabin without bursting into tears or hearing a voice enticing me my time is up. I sometimes sleep all the way through the night, or at the very least I can remain in bed resting. Previously my mind would run riot and I absolutely had to get up as lying still would surely kill me. A day may pass now and I didn’t frantically need to be physically aggressive in order to stamp the demons fire out.
This is huge! I literally sent a text to my dear friend one afternoon telling him if I didn’t go trail running I was going to be swallowed whole right in my office. My spirit was drenched in agitation and angst for days on end. Now, it comes and I can actually name it. Granted Im still trying to gather tools for combat as I cannot always go trail running. Soon I will return to work and I just don’t think it will bode well for me to burst down the street at a marked pace to outrun the demon.
So, I find myself in Tahoe, away from my usual surroundings, usual responsibilities, usual routines. I can sit quietly no matter for how long and ponder my next steps. I am here, but the here is different right now and that is exactly what I needed.