A laptop and a backpack.

timingA man never rises higher than when he does not know whether his path can still lead him.[7] Joseph Campbell talks about that if you can see the path in front of you that it’s not yours. I am so scared because I cant see what is in front of me. I have never ever had enough self value to take care of myself, my primary needs.  I have never had to walk on the path with no one else having walked there before me. I always had someone to take care of those primary needs, or they didnt get taken care of.

img_0804Yes, I am seared with scars.

“[H]e may resolve his hidden depression by learning about self care and health esteem. [6]   There is no more bigger struggle in my life than the struggle to take care of myself. Yes I used to be able to buy the finest clothes and look at you with perfect hair and a well manicured beard. Well I don’t have those things anymore.  So all I have left  is me, the true me that is not defined by those “things,” that are outside of me.

boy“If you haven’t cried a number of times, your meditation hasn’t really begun.”[5] This is why I want a backpack and the laptop. Because it is been this way so long, this self abuse, or really self-neglect, that to work to change it causes me great pain. As as the leprechaun said last week I have been faced with my terror. The scariest thing in my whole world is to take care of me, to step up to that voice inside of me, event if I cant hear its words anymore, and do what Ggod wants me to do. My wonderful friends Sabrina and  Eva’s comments last week  triggered me needing to face something inside of me that I’ve spent my whole life suppressing.

reflex-view-finder-raluca-mateescu“There is a whole aspect of your consciousness, your being, that’s not been touched. So you’re at home here? Well, there’s not enough of you there.’ And so it starts.” [3]  I am comfortable here in this place of my recovery. I want to stay here. I want to be able to impart information to others, to help them, and to not have to walk outside of physical comfort zone that I’ve created it this world that I call mine. But I also know that there is something that I need to do.  Not for me.  I have been taken care of my whole life by my Ggod. I survived the events that transpired to bring me here.

Sleep-by-Matisse--50775But the world that I’ve been in is not really mine.  I have always known that this is a place of transition. But my body is tired and I really don’t want to cry any more tears.

“The person gives himself permissions that he may never have given himself before.” [1]  I am writing these words to give myself permission to take care of myself. To show you, and really to show me, that I am worthy.

986b8-hopes_on_the_horizon

“[I]t is a paradox that the part of the psyche which will sabotage a person’s efforts to get well is in fact trying to get him to live a greater dimension in life than he ever asked for.” [2]  I understand that there is this part of me that is pushing me to go beyond what I know to be the best I can be in this thing called life.  I am willing to do that even though  I am so scared. I have no experience I can call on in my past life in this moment to reflect on which will show me how to care for and about me.

breath peet blue“For a person to treat himself as well when he’s well as he does when he’s ill usually requires quite a restructuring of its internal rules system about the type of person he feels he needs to be in order to be all right and receive what he wants from outside world.” [4] My internal rules system is so cross-wired, unplugged, haywired, that it seems like an insurmountable task to try to change it. I need help. Oh, yes what would I tell everyone else to do right now!

I think I’ll breathe.

[1] “On the mind and cancer.” Stephanie Mathews – Simonton[2] Id. [3] Joseph Campbell[4] Stephanie Mathews – Simonton[5] Achaan Chah[6] Terrence Real.  I Don=t Want to Talk About It. -p. 63   [7] Fredrich Nietzsche Untimely Meditations    

Artwork above  by Jasmine at lostinherdream.wordpress.com

wolf yosemitefinger touching nose of baby123.  It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

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