Wish I could crawl under the covers and not come out…*

partial-solar-eclipseGgod is in the silence, all the rest is poor translation.” I have got a good dose of this over the last 96  hours.  What caused it isnt important, how I have responded to it is. PTSD is an understatement for me on this one.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”  My buddy the leprechaun said it best yesterday when he said, “You are being given an opportunity to face your terror.”  I am, it hurts, it sucks and ………….I am glad. My father’s rage has instilled a level of fear that is beyond fear.  It is so strong that when someone rang my door the other night after this event that caused me this pain, and I froze in fear.   I couldnt move.  I started to cry. I have cried every day since this traumatic event.  I am crying as I am writing this.  My friend Monica wrote a post on her blog that was so timely for me when I saw it yesterday.* * It talks about what we carry, in our bodies, and dont process, and more dastardly than all, call “negative.”

cowboy party“The demon that you can swallow gives you it’s power, and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply.”[2] Well it is time for the Ggod dam Deamon to come out and protect that part of me that hurts.  That beautiful boy who opened his arms and said love with his eyes and his heart.

What the lesson is for me is to stand and up and fight for me.  This is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, since doing it as a child almost always resulted in extended, rageful violence against me by those who were charged with taking care of me.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” I want so bad emotionally to do to those who have hurt me, what was done to me.  I want to yell at them, to put my fist in their face and shake it at them, and to beat them if they don’t do what I want.  But I cant, nor do I really want to.

mystery“The cure for pain is in the pain.”  I suffer from all this trauma reaction that I carry in my body.  All these wounds.  All this pain. I cant wish it away.  I cant just turn it over to Ggod and be on my merry way.  My heart, mind and soul carry it.

“Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.”  Rumi can kiss my ass.  Hidden mercy from what?  I dont need mercy, do I?

“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”  I am so grateful that I know you are there to hear me.

“Let silence take you to the core of life.”

All quotes are Rumi, except [2] Joseph Campbell      * I want to  thank my loving dear friend G for this title. **http://beyondmeds.com/2013/06/03/terror-wants-to-be-integrated/

breath peet bluewolf yosemite123

It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

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11 thoughts on “Wish I could crawl under the covers and not come out…*

  1. Personally I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. Sooner or later they’ll get theirs. When the fate of @#&!! becomes a matter of indifference to you the Universe will balance itself. It just happens. Not your decision. But know also that child abuse is cyclic. Something happened to your abusers, and to their abusers, and so on back who know how far. War? more War, a series of monsters, a Nanny? Who knows how it got started . That cycle can only be broken by a conscious decision. A conscious decision that needs reaffirming until it replaces the epigenetic urges. Child abuse, and other environmental influences have transgenerational epigenetic effects that we have to constantly be on guard against. Good stuff gets passed along, too, so it isn’t all bleak. The pictures are of an obviously intelligent, beautiful, sensitive boy. And you appear fairly healthy. Those are plusses that even your grandchildren will benefit from. Most of the passed on negatives only become activated if certain external stimuli are present. It’s a survival response. We have to work to make sure those stimuli are not present in the lives of our children and grandchildren. However, as bad things happened in our own childhoods these survival responses that where there latent from our parents and grandparents, have already been activated. it is not fair that WE have to make this stand against evil, but it is right. Who else can do it? Only persons who have experienced the BAD and have decided that it stops with their own bodies. Only we who have that experience are strong enough to stop the cycle. We must. You must. You can and will. You will get through this, and you will be even stronger. Just think how strong you are to have endured and what all you have accomplished thus far!! You must be one tough bird!!! Thank you for all that you have done. —- Bear —- p.s. I can see from blog entries here and there, that you have inspired love and admiration amongst a broad range of different people. Just sayin’

  2. I feel your pain and I’m sure share at least a glimpse of your past in mine. Forgiveness does not come easy, but is there nonetheless. Reach for the stars, rest in the setting sun and let go of what you cannot fix. When your under the covers-you are not alone. There are many hearts under there with you praying for you and loving you as only God can do. 🙂

  3. Its 1 a.m. and I am hurting. My depression is kicking my ass good. Ive slept one hour. I am feeling like I am walking on what Bruce calls “Rocky Ground.” ” You try to sleep you toss and turn, the bottoms dropping out, where you once had faith now there’s only doubt.” I am forever grateful for this pain as it takes me closer to Ggod, but damn it hurts.

  4. I do not believe that “suffering” is doing anyone any good at all. All those sayings were made to calm down the poor, the hungry, the desperate, the sick etc so they would not stand up against their fate and start rebelling. If anyone tells me that for example the poor are happy, I start screaming… The same reaction I will have when people belittle other peoples health issues, social situation etc…These unbearable comments are essentially about power – who oppresses who, who depends on whom … and not to offend any people who respect Rumi, but it really irks me that those ancient and also modern-time philosophers/gurus/spiritual-mystical leaders etc are quoted so easily. Often these men (not many women) grew up in quite comfortable situations and had/have time at hand to think while others had/have to survive crawling through the mud…

    • I always love to see your words. I agree with the Rumi discussion. As far as women philsophers. The only question one has to ask is how many female Popes have we had?
      . If you are not a wounded healer, then you are just another dominant paradigm espouser. That is why Nietsche’s word carry the weight they do with me. He understood suffereing

      • Yes, I have to admit that I am not too familiar with the writings from Nietzsche…just small bits and pieces. But yes he has, it seems had a rather difficult life, health and mental wise too, and had a rather unlucky love to Lou Andreas-Salomé (now there is a female philospher!)

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