Once we place the key of willingness in the lock and the door ever so slightly opens, we find that we can always open it some more.  This was the element that was necessary before any healing process could take place for me. What was happening in my life wasn’t working in late 2010. I couldn’t function any more. I was not productive at all. I struggled to get out of the bed, to open the door to the outside world and I couldn’t concentrate at all on anything for a long period of time. I went to the doctor in November of 2010 and he told me I had depression. It didn’t get better after I heard it because the meds didn’t really work. I didn’t know what improvement was supposed to look like at that time. I was numb from the life changes I had made by then. I was coping at best.
I fell deeply into my depression and didnt even know it. That is how use to fatigue I had become.(oh no, as I write this, do I have chronic fatigue?)
One of the ironies about men’s depression is that the very forces that help create it keep us from seeing it. Men are not supposed to be vulnerable. Pain is something we are to rise above. The sad part about this, is that if I had been diagnosed before I left my marriage, I think I might not have. When I did my 5th step about the issues that surrounded my inability to function, it never came up to see my doctor or a shrink to see if I had depression. Would it have made any difference to my marriage? I don’t know, but now after writing what I just wrote I tend to think it wouldn’t have. I couldn’t rise above my pain any more, and it created or exacerbated a chasm in my marriage that existed way before 2010.
The people I had to live with between 2008 and 2010 suffered greatly because of my paralysis from depression.
[P]erfectionism hampers success…it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” This has been my boogie man all my life. I was the over-acheiver, the good boy, the smiling one. That is until my brother left the house, then I became the drug addicted, everyone can go screw themselves, drop out! But I still carried that voice that said it was my job to do it perfect, no matter what. I was reading something from a friend a little while ago and they believed they had to do everything perfect, even on the first try. That was me too. That “critical parent,” voice I hear is the finest honed, pain bludgeoning voice in my mind, period. The Ggod dam Deamon!!!
Not until the man has stopped running….can he grapple with the pain that has driven his behavior. First the covertly depressed man must walk through the fire from which he has run. He must allow the pain to surface. My world crashed in on me in late 2010. Like Bruce says, “I have lost everything I’ve ever loved or feared.” That was what happened for me. I am still in the process of losing those things that I defined myself by, but they don’t have the power they used to.
Then, he may resolve his hidden depression by learning about self care and healthy esteem. This is the in between place I find myself in now. I do pretty good for the most part, I eat vegetables now, I shower every day, and I even trim my beard more than once every 4-6 months like I used to. But when times get hard it is easier to eat bread and cheese and drink coffee all the time. This is where I am in need of love and support from those around me. I am having coffee with the painter tomorrow morning and I pray Ggod gives me the courage to say what I just said to you to him. I want to live the real life I am entitled to as a child of Ggod. But I need help, I cant do this on my own.
Brene Brown As Bills See’s It. pg 122  Terrence Real I Don’t Want to Talk About It. p. 22  Terrence Real I Don’t Want to Talk About It. p. 63 Terrence Real I Don’t Want to Talk About It. p. 63
I was struggling for ideas to write about the other day. I saw my friend the “eye” had asked us, her readers, for help in that area. I asked the Fanatic for three words for topics. When she responded my mind went “Whoa I could make that one post!”