I think I was actually present,…I am healing!


**Authored by the Fanatic**

The weight of the world is on my shoulders. Whether imagined or real, it is still heavy.  You see the voices in my head are urging me to fill my backpack full of weights and sink to the bottom of the river. Just like that, maybe 10-12 steps off the bank and I would disappear. When I envision carrying out this plan it feels somewhat ceremonial. Like, it’s a rite of passage at this point of my depressive episode. I have paid my dues and now it’s time to “rest.”
I asked my dear friend if he thinks my suicidal  thoughts are like a default mode for me. He suggested that when my pain comes to the surface I simply want to make it go away. I’m not even sure I know what the pain is but it sure hurts.

question mark
I constantly question if my reality is really reality at all. Could I be making this whole drama up? I say it’s someone else’s voice that I hear telling me to hurt myself. Is it really my own? Sometimes I get so confused.
I didn’t isolate today. I connected with 2 other people and we laughed. We engaged each other in sarcastic and witty banter. I didn’t over think my purpose or question my existence. I think I was actually present, at least some of the time. I am healing!

finger touching nose of baby100_1607123  It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

Fiery Redhead?fantatics hair


3 thoughts on “I think I was actually present,…I am healing!

  1. Hi there, have not read your blog for a few days and have now caught up 🙂 I guess I would like to comment here on all I’ve read today. I do not know what our obsession with happiness is. Most people are not happy, so we want it. Most people are not rich, so we want that too, most people are not beautiful (as defined by of those nauseous magazines), so we also want that etc. I have no solutions really. But from what I have experienced myself and from what I see from people around me: The more you fight the more you loose. I believe somehow acceptance is the key. But that I only recently started to practice, so I am not sure if it works…will let you know 🙂
    PS: I do not know how to solve the pic-problem…sorry. Just one questions, where did you find my e-mail address? I thought I had not published it…would be interesting to know 🙂

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