Ggod have mercy on the man…

IMGP1138…who doubts what he’s sure of. [1] My heart aches tonight.  Really aches.  I had a relationship with a wonderful girl that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life and now I feel like I have lost it forever.  When my depression hit, she got some advice from her support network and she told me that she could no longer see me.

I thought for sure that we were going to grow  in many ways and also grow old together.  I thought I was going to be there when she needed me.  To hold her when she was scared and to give her whatever wsupport I could when she asked me for it. To walk with her and hold her hand and to support her growing in all the ways she needed to.

william-z-flickrI thought we were going to both learn to be more and more intimate and trusting with each other and eventually have that relationship where we were truly partners, no longer living in our historical roles,  in this journey called life.

Somewhere along the line I slipped off track [2] When my depression hit, we started to separate.  I could no longer  keep up the role that I had taken on in our relationship.  I know that it was my responsibility for creating her needing me to be in that role.  But it was natural considering our histories and the expectations created.  But I just couldnt keep doing something that was killing me. The need to keep the depression covert by performing didnt work for me any more.

walkingalone_2So she was left without the man who had supported her for 10 years and she got scared.  She starting crying more, and having way more fear in her life.  I was by this time deeply into  my depression.  It was no longer covert, it was overt and I could not stop it. I went from practicing law and doing  a bunch of other money making ventures to being unable to get out of the house and when I did, I was useless.  I was still trying to hide the depression by “working,” all the time, but I wasn’t working.  I would go to work, but I couldnt do anything any more.  Anything that took more than one simple thought to make a decision about was too overwhelming for me.

2009 Mt Shasta to Oak street 139 They say he travels fastest who travels alone. [3] I am praying that by traveling alone on this path of healing my depression, no not living with it , but healing it, I will be able to mend that relationship again.  I know, I know you may think that this idea is crazy, but I dont.  I have worked hard for the last couple of years all the while holding out hope that we would eventually be together again.    I am sure that she still loves me and I have faith that we will be together again one day soon.  That is one of the things that many days keeps me going when days suck.  Today is one of those days.

[1] Bruce Sprinsteen Brilliant Disguise [2] Bruce Springsteen One Step, Two Steps Back [3] Bruce Sprinsteen Valentine’s Day

123   It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

standing baby100_1608finger touching nose of baby

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3 thoughts on “Ggod have mercy on the man…

  1. This is sad, i like love stories a lot. And it is nice that you love her very much, things will fall into place in time. And i hope you’d both travel the same path again.

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