Resolve

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***Written by the Fanatic***

It’s been an emotionally taxing few days. I feel more like the Frantic than the Fanatic.  My mind has been in over drive with suicidal thoughts. I am sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. My demon of depression has stolen my voice the last few days. I have been unable to speak my truth.  I went to the depression in sobriety meeting last night where I typically share freely. The demon was in my ear and in my throat. My filter went up and I spewed something, but not what I needed to exorcise from my mind and body.

flow_water_fallMy suicidal thoughts taunt me. This week I was graciously invited by the demon to disappear into the local river. These are accompanied by visuals of how I can carry out the plan. It’s a package deal.  The intrusive thoughts play out in my mind over and over again. Let me give you another example of this insanity.
I have really been working hard at healing myself both on the inside and out.  Group therapy, exercise, writing, healthy diet. I bit the bullet and made an appointment to get my hair colored. I want to be a fiery redhead. As the stylist spun me around to see the final product, my fiery red hair looked great in the mirror. The first thing I heard was…you will look fantastic at the bottom of the river. My smile faded. I felt attacked. I felt violated. Here I was trying to do something nice for myself and the demon was having none of it! In that moment, I shut down and felt so defeated.

IS638-027My mind doesn’t always feel like my own.  Try as I might, sometimes I can’t control the demon.  Today, the trick for getting through the day was not sitting idle for even one minute.  I accepted that and found a way to fill my time. I was scared if I let my guard down the demon would pounce. My strength may have been low, but thank god my resolve was high.

It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.  123

The artwork at the top of this piece is by http://lostinherdream.wordpress.com/

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5 thoughts on “Resolve

  1. I related to what you said about not sitting idle, even for one minute. There have been so many times I’ve walked miles and miles around the park, just to keep myself from acting on what is in my mind. You are courageous, a fighter, keep it up! I also dye my hair red, its a good colour, means we’re kickass and fiery. We got this!

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