I have a burning desire. I’m just not sure what it is at this point. I have a craving at my core that is going unanswered. I feel like I’m navigating my world as an observer right now. I was trying to explain to my good friend that while I was sharing a laugh with him earlier today, I didn’t feel it in my body. Rather, I was watching myself laugh from above. I would have to say I was present, I was with him and I knew it to be funny. But I felt more like a witness. I’m not sure if this is because I am so consumed with what is in my head I am (in a way) detached from the rest of my body?
I tried to sit quietly for a meditation meeting a short time ago. It felt like a disaster. I of course stayed silent, but the noise in my head was becoming unbearable. I was flooded with memories, with anger, with confusion all at once. I was stuck in my mind and I tell ya I didn’t like it much.
I missed my trail run today. The circumstances aren’t important but the inability to shift my energy to outward aggression resulted in an internal attack on self. My mind/demon can be quite cruel and he did not spare me as I was trying to sit quietly and find serenity.
As I have been writing this, and wondering where I am going, my inclination towards the desire is that I crave figuring out who the fanatic truly is. But, that word serenity a sentence ago just leapt off the page and slapped me. I long for serenity. I crave peace of mind.
I think I am on the path. But, that damn demon of mine likes to fuck with me and buckle my knees. So quickly I think I am falling backwards towards the darkness. This is the fear. There is no serenity when you are draped in fear.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission. 123