“I thought by masking the depression…”*

IMG00126“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.” [4] I think the example I’m going to use for this was my constant, constant exhaustion before I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression two and a half years ago.

When I was younger I smoked a lot of pot. Because I smoked as much as I did, I thought that I had permanently damaged my lungs. I never told anyone about the constant exhaustion, not even my doctor. I just figured that was my lot in life for smoking as much pot as I did and smoking cigarettes at the same time.

carusel-in-montpellier-dimitris-drLittle did I know that I had been suppressing all of that energy trapped in my body for so long, that it took a lot of energy just to keep the energy trapped.  Do you hear the hamster on the wheel there! I still have less energy than I had three years ago, but it is way more energy than I had a year ago.

“I’ll never forget how the depression and loneliness felt good and bad at the same time. Still does.”[5] It’s a conundrum. The loneliness that I carried my whole life was brutal. Standing in a room full of a bunch of lawyers and judges and doctors feeling like I didn’t belong there.  People would come up to me and tell me how impressed they were with my abilities as a lawyer. All I felt was tired, so much that I wanted them to just leave me alone. When I looked at the world through exhaustion there was nothing that could be done to bring me any sort of happiness that was not fleeting at best, momentary.

But I also got so used to the loneliness so much that I felt most comfortable alone.

stairsWhen the depression became overt, when I could no longer keep it covert, that started the end of my marriage. As long as I was able to keep the depression covert and continue functioning I didn’t have to look at what was going on in my life. I read a piece today where they talked about how a lot of people’s marriage was affected by the depression.

I can say that the depression was antecedent to the breakup of the marriage. Based on what I know in my  study of depression over the last 2 1/2 years,  I have been depressed my whole life and it just became overt a few years ago.

finger touching nose of babyOut of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.  The most massive characters are seared with scars.”[2] When I learned by reading Terrance Real’s book I Don’t Want To Talk About It, that the only way out of covert depression was by going through overt depression, I made a conscious choice to surrender my will and my life over to the care of my Ggod and walk through the “deep-seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness”[7] as best as I can.  I did it similar to how Eckardt Tolle did it when he sat on a park bench in London for two years. I sat in my apartment, drank my coffee, played online poker, did my therapy, cried and hurt a lot and went to my meetings.

Tunnel YosemiteThere is no way to go “through” depression without it hurting badly. But the bad hurting creates a wonderful scar on the wounds that caused the “deep-seated emotional conflicts that persisted below the level of my consciousness.”

I leave it to others to decide whether my soul is strong or not. I can tell you that I have my scars. To my psyche, to my emotional self, to my heart. But I have not shut myself off from the sunlight. That’s the gift!

[2] Khalil Gibran[4] Sharon Rainey[5] Henry Rollins[7]  A.A.  12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Step 8 pgs. 79-80

It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission   123 Fanatic

xwolf yosemite


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