….slept from about 10-3:30. pretty good. I have been thinking that ACCEPTANCE is the key for me right now, well and probably for the foreseeable future. There will be days that I can barely tolerate to be in my body due to distress and there will be days my body can’t keep up with my mind, and days I might actually be in balance. This is how its going to be for me. This is it. It was not a choice. It is not my fault. I am still a good person. I still possess alot of good qualities even if I can’t necessarily see them.
What brings out the best in me: at first, I could not think of anything positive about myself. The demon was with my yesterday and stifled even a hint of what might be “good” about the fanatic. But, this morning I feel this is a good exercise for me. Often in the mental health world when someone is presented with a new diagnosis, the work is to believe you are NOT this diagnosis. You are a person first, a person with a diagnosis. There is a huge distinction. Read it again if you need to. Having depression or bipolar or whatever, is really no different than having cancer or diabetes. It is a disease. It is the hand you have been dealt. There is no stigma around a woman going through breast cancer. I don’t want to speak out of turn here, so will leave it at that.
What brings out the best in me? Friendly competition, others having faith in me, me having faith in me, serenity, self confidence. I think one of my life long lessons centers around perfectionism. My all or nothing attitude. If I go, I go big. If I’m going for a run, it can be no less than 4 miles. Used to be, it had to be a little more each time. So, then, the next day I would have to run 4.25 miles. I am in competition with others and with myself, constantly..silently. Another example is I recently got a promotion in February. Completely new job (at the same company). I felt I was ready for a change from a position I had held for 12 years. I was very good at my old job. So, I had every plan to be very good at my new job….from day 1. I threw myself into it, loving the new “pace” and pressure and responsibility. I mattered. I stayed late, got there early. I stopped playing tennis during the week so I could concentrate on this new position. I didn’t stop to take a lunch. Do you get the picture? Slowing down and taking things in slowly are not my strong suite.
However, I would have to say, the demon is taking his sweet time in moving on. I have had periods of remission from him, and now maybe those will be less or he will be in the parking lot doing pushups which is often said about alcoholism too. When he is not present in my life, I am a completely different person. DUH! Right. of course. But, really i want to convey this. I move about the world differently, my thinking is different, things roll of my back, I am grounded, the negative self talk ceases (just goes away on its own accord.). I do not grapple with anxiety, roller coaster emotions, extreme self doubt. Yes, currently, I am constantly wrestling with my mind. When I am well, this is not the case. I forget this. I forget that I am not completely doomed to share my personal space with the demon forever. I do think he will come and go, which I have to ACCEPT.
I asked my dear friend the other day if I was truly healing. I think that is a nice way of putting it. I think I yelled into an email that I HAD to know that i was healing, that I was making progress. This was a frantic “had to know.” I didn’t stop to think to myself about anything that might have changed in the past 2 months. Just the mere realization I am not crying everyday is progress. The fact that there is some hope interwoven into some of my writing, not all mind you. so, this brings me back to the quote that caught my eye first thing this morning. Its alright not to think too much. the answers will come when you least expect them. If you look back, I basically started this writing with…I have been thinking!! Oh boy, I still have a lot of work to do. But, for right now, in this moment, in this writing…Its okay. I accept it.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.