Overdrive

clip-art-waking-up-580992In the interest of time,I’ll keep this short and to the point.  Why I chose that opening line I am not certain. This could be far from short and or maybe doesn’t even need parameters. My mind seems to be in overdrive.  Just so you know, it’s never in park.
I’ve been willing to try different therapies and treatments to get my demon under some sort of control. It’s been a long 2 months of vista points, ladders, sheets, voices, tears and fears. Perhaps your last 2 months have been a lot like mine.  I don’t know about you, but I’m tired. I haven’t given up, though I’ve been really close. I mean not just wanting to escape this madness in the moment, but for good. Yet, I woke up to face another day today.

skiing-under-northern-lights-finland-antti-and-mikko-laitinenSo, my over active mind can be like a 5 year old…oh so hard to reign in. I have written several times on the matter of not being able to control my mind. Some may argue with me, but I know some are nodding their heads silently. Either way, it’s okay. I can only speak from my experience.  My alternative healing treatment today provided my demon with lots of fodder. I literally woke up out of a nap fighting a possible memory that was jostled earlier today.  Woke up thinking I was making shit up again. Woke up not knowing what is true and not true. I stumble with the suggestion of staying out of my head as it can be unsafe. Maybe I was a detective in a former life because I analyze stuff to death…and to detriment.

1317985706imT24JI feel my demon needing the details of this event of my childhood.  What do you remember at age 6? Can you decipher reality? To me, a six year old should be beaming from ear to ear from a days worth of freestyle play.  Needing a 2nd bath from getting down and dirty in the neighborhood.  But, I don’t have kids and haven’t been 6 for a long time.  What do I know?

reflex-view-finder-raluca-mateescuI felt energized when I left my healing session. I feel like I am working hard at healing inside and out.  I’ve got buckets worth of tears to prove it. My dear friend congratulates me when I cry and tells me this is the healing.  Sometimes I can hear him.
Right now, I want to cry. I want/need to know that I truly am healing.  I need to know I am making progress, that The demon doesn’t own me as much. Yet, I am numb. I don’t know what to think or feel.  Again, over thinking! Why can’t I just be?

123…It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

100_1607finger touching nose of baby

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One thought on “Overdrive

  1. It can be helpful to remember that you don’t have to fix it all, today. Please know I say this as a friend who struggles with many of the same messages that you do, and not as a person who has arrived because I haven’t. I admire and relate to your rigorous approach to your truth, and the way you take responsibility for your journey. No simple answers, they smack of no meaning.Keep writing, as you log your journey you help me and others.

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