How long have I been drifting along through the night.[i] Today, Thursday, I had a day that was difficult at best. I had a conversation with someone who’s very close to me and after I got off the phone with them a tremendous sadness, intense emotional pain, and a real sense of loss came over me. What I glean from that is that this loss has been this way for over two years. The reason that I allowed myself to feel it today is that I’m used to being numb about things in life. My whole life I felt like I was just drifting from one place to another. It doesn’t feel that much different today. I wonder if the only difference for me is that I tell you about it.
“The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.”[ii] My buddy the leprechaun says “The dogs bark loudest the closer we get to the gate.” Using that analysis I should be walking into some real light soon. This afternoon and for the most part this evening has felt pretty black. We had our depression in sobriety meeting today. We all anticipated a conflict with this one person who’d been disrupting the meeting quite regularly. He didn’t show up. What was interesting was that those of us who attend regularly were all ready for it. We were ready for the darkness to come.
“All the Ggods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.”[iii] This is a hard one. All my life I have suppressed that Ggod is within me. I knew that all the Hells were in me. I just had to think about it. My Ggod Dam Deamon made sure of that. You see that means that the default position that I go to is that Ggod is everywhere, I mean everywhere, in the whole wide world, except for in me! How arrogant, in actuality, how fearful is that?
“The demon that you can swallow gives you it’s power, and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply.”[iv] This is the one that I rely on to keep going many times. Because I believe that the Ggod Dam Deamon is who I truly am. So it’s easy for me to see that I swallowed that deamon. What I don’t understand and what I keep relying on others to reiterate to me is that that deamon will be there when it comes time to stand up and be me.
No one ever talks about their feelings anyway, Without dressing them in dreams and laughter, as I guess its just too painful otherwise.[v].
The gift of the meeting, “depression in sobriety,” is that things are said in that room that don’t get said elsewhere in the rooms. We talk about everything from joy to shame, including suicide, drugs, rage, fear and everything else in between. I said tonight that more feelings were shared in that meeting tonight then I heard shared in months in regular meetings. People cannot understand the value of those shared emotions. When somebody tells me that they feel like they can’t take care of themselves, it makes it okay for me to say the same thing.
It is always been a challenge to be honest with people, without them freaking out about my thoughts. In the meeting that we had tonight I got to share that. That I think I’m absolutely freaking crazy, and yet when I hear my friends talk about what goes on inside of their minds, I go, whew! I am not alone. When I started writing this post I was in tremendous sadness. Now that I’m finishing it, it’s way less.
I have fought to keep, “compassion and understanding in sight.” If I keep them I stand a pretty good chance of having a life with meaning. I won’t have to walk through the rest of this thing called life, “comfortably numb.”‘
“I need not seek, I need only see.”