and the joy will burn out the pain.[iii] Sitting here, contemplating my navel, I realize that I have come to this place in my “recovery,” where there are indications, to me, in my psyche, that I am returning to my old self. Others tell me that I have changed, particularly the painter and the leprechaun. I was writing an e-mail to a friend today and I realized that the anxiety around Mother’s Day was not there for me.
Why it’s an issue really isn’t relevant to this writing. What’s important is the fact that I did not have that energy, that angst that usually accompanies this day for me. I was over at a friend’s house this morning and we were talking about this. He asked me why I was not disturbed by the fact that my mom lived 10 minutes away from me and yet I didn’t ever see her. I kind of look at her same way I would look at an old girlfriend. There were some good memories, but they’re over.
Another example was me going to watch jazz last night. I hadn’t been to Yoshis in Oakland since before it moved. It was probably 20+ years ago that I was there. I stopped going to jazz shows because it didn’t fit into my familial relationship that came about when I got married. I’m sitting here listening to Dizzy Gillespie and Roy Eldridge and it’s really good.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'”[i] I did something recently that to me it took a little bit of extra effort to follow through on a communication with someone who I really wanted to communicate with. I was scared of rejection. I’m writing you this post before I get the result of my communication with them. What’s important about this time and my sharing it with you is that sure, I could have waited until it was the result that I wanted and reiterate how courageous I am, or I could wait until the result was negative and never share anything with you at all. What I’m grateful for is that I stood up for myself and what I want and acknowledging courage for what it is, the effort to change.
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” [ii] . It does take a tremendous amount of courage to heal. Again I was with a couple friends in the last few days and I see the anxiety, the terror, the fear, and the virtual continuous self bludgeoning that comes out of their minds. I sat with them and I listen to them and have empathy for them. At the same time I am grateful to Ggod*for allowing me the time, the energy, and more importantly the support necessary for me to do the healing that I’ve done around my wounds.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” [iv] It is the place. It is the place I’m being led to. When I find myself with my friends and I see their wounds that they cover up with their depression, I feel for them.
What I know is that I was willing to go into the womb of my psychic existence and swim around in there. I don’t think that I will ever be “over,” the wounds that I have been given, for lack of a better word. I don’t know if I see my wounds as wounds anymore. I see them more as opportunities to get closer to the source for the realization that I am.
[i] Mary Anne Radmacher[ii]Tori Amos[iii]Joseph Campbell[iv]Rumi *I tried to change it Phyll, but I couldnt see it as “gGod.” Was to close to the “original.” Rainbow images thanks to ajaytao2010.wordpress.com. Godetia by carolewelsh.wordpress.com 123 Fanatic
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.