…voices carry. [i]
This is one of those times when my mind is saying be quiet. I usually know in a meeting when I don’t want to talk is when I might need to. I’m feeling tremendous sadness tonight. I got back earlier from hanging out with some of my AA friends, and my mind is working overtime.
“Don’t confront me with my failures, I’m aware of them.” [iii] My mind*is saying, a couple of years ago when we got together with the same people to do some service work around a special day in AA, I was still in my career.[v] What was interesting is that when I was there with my friends the issue didn’t come into my mind at all. It is only after I returned home and was writing a prior post did the idea even come up.
“The black moment this is one of those times is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.” [iv] Today it feels dark. However, I have been in recovery long enough to know that all I have to do is not drink and it will all turn out all right. I don’t know what the hell Ggod has in store for me, I just hope that I can do those things that need to be done and be fulfilled also. I think that is the thing that scares me the most. That I’m not going to be able to use all of the aspects of my personality and that I am going to be alone and I’m going to die alone.
“Those dreams are dead, I’m alive.”[vi] No matter what, I had accomplished things in my life that made me feel like I had value. Right now I don’t feel like I have any dreams in front of me and that scares the shit out of me.
“Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation.” [ii] This is where the mind just goes crazy. It has always thought that it had to protect us and that silence was deadly. When I was young those moments of silence were always followed by outbursts, whether violently, or verbally, or violently and verbally abusive. I don’t even like saying it now. I don’t even like hearing the silence of Ggod, screw Ggod.
However, dont cry for me Argentina, because this is what I prayed to have happen, to be conscious more and more.
*Most likely the Ggod Damn Demon.[i] Til Tuesday Voices Carry [ii] Rumi.[iii] Jackson Browne These Days [iv] Joseph Campbell. [v]There are also a couple of the things that I thought about that I will not bring into this forum because they are too painful still. [vi] Jackson Browne I’m Alive