In the end what you dont surrender…

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the world just strips away.[i] For the longest time I saw my depression as a weakness. This was even after I had studied it is much as I have  for the two and a half years since my diagnosis. Because by going into it, as Terrance Real says we must do, I could no longer function in the outside world like I had before.  I considered that to be weak and inadequate on my part.  It was only when I learned that Bill W. was immobilized for two years and that Eckardt Tolle sat on a park bench for two years that I finally give myself permission to truly sit in my feelings of pain, despair, hopelessness, fear, anger, rage,….

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Depression is a treatable medical illness like cancer and heart disease. [iii] It is only in the last year where I have started to come out of the depression and vehemently staying as far away as possible from increasing the medications, despite the urging from a couple people who were close to me. What I believe happened was I as I was working through those, “deep-seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness,”  I started to not live in fear all the time. A psychic change started.  I believe that depression, even though based in suppressed anger or rage, manifests itself externally for me through fear. Even though I still have more fear than what I believe is necessary for me, it is, if I was to guess, more than 50% less than what it was before.

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My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known — no wonder, then, that I return the love.[ii] . Here’s where I think my biggest struggle is. I’ve been depressed my whole life! No wonder that I return back to it so easily and unconsciously. It’s like an old glove that I don’t need anymore because my hand is strong enough to withstand the stickers from the roses.  But I unconsciously reach for the glove. It’s like moving the tooth paste from one side of the sink to the other. I keep reaching to the same side of the sink for the tooth paste for a long time.

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Where is home? I feel a sense, always, of trying to find my way back to a place that doesn’t exist.”[iv] There’s a saying that “negative attention is better than no attention.” To me that’s what depression is all about for me.  I cant explain it any better than that.  I am sorry that I cant, but I sat here and tried to explain it better but couldn’t.

Where you stumble and fall, there you will find gold.[v] I am forever grateful that I found Joseph Campbell. He died on the day that I got sober, which is not a coincidence, and that also happens to be my dad’s birthday.

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Campbell taught me to see the world, not in the realm of duality, but in the realm of the metaphor. Axiomatic statements about truths and declarations of good and bad, and right and wrong, and evil and good are nothing more than a reiteration of someone’s fear adopted by others and made into absolutes. That is why I don’t go to church. Much of my depression was about continuing to support those statements that came to me as absolutes early on in my life. It took a heavy toll to continue to unconsciously reiterate those statements.

But off my soapbox. I’ve made friends in the last months who are more wonder full than some of the people I have known my whole life.  There is the gold.

[i]Bruce Springsteen Human Touch [ii]  Soren Kierkegaard. [iii] Judith Peacock[iv] Sally Brampton Shoot the Damn Dog[v] Joseph Campbell.  Photos: Sugar sent me a new picture of Barron the wolf below.  Click on it and check that beautiful animal out!! Other pictures on loan from ajaytao2010.wordpress.com

It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.  123 Fanatic, Welcome Home!

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3 thoughts on “In the end what you dont surrender…

  1. In the end…the very end…what you don’t surrender, Spirit lifts you from, and it’s all part of a shell that is left behind and deteriorates back into dust. That thought gets me through every single damn time. 🙂

  2. Months ago I was sitting in a hospital in San Diego emailing my friend. I was exhausted, lonely, and angry. Over the course of few weeks my life had changed dramatically and with him I could be true to my feelings and unfiltered when I needed to purge. I don’t recall why I told him what I did but I do know I commented that his depression was a jealous mistress, thinking to myself unwilling to share him, beautiful and seductive. In my mind I had lost my friend to HER.
    I have one more comment on where my mind went to when you mentioned Human Touch in a previous blog. It went to those lyrics written my Elvis Costello and sung by Bruce.
    “Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
    Well it comes at a hard hard price
    You can’t shut off the risk and the pain
    Without losing the love that remains
    So you’ve been broken and you’ve been hurt
    Show me somebody who aint
    When all the answers, they don’t amount to much
    Somebody that you could just to talk to
    And a little of that human touch”
    my responses to your blogs seem inadequate so I rarely make them, I want you to know that what you say in them
    brings out a range of emtions I won’t share with you, but know that I feel healthier and strong and at peace with each post.

    • ewabeachgirl!
      I understand you not wanting to share your emotions here. I keep mine in check in responses and believe it or not, in my posts.
      Depression is lessened by the healing work I do, but as DH Lawrence says, “wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help.”
      Thanks for being a friend and contributing here. You are needed here.

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