What am I, a project?


“I am in the thick of depression as it relates to both my daughters…and my head is full of their own stories,struggles and perceptions.. I feel that I have no reserves left to take on another person who has the same dis-ease.” A lady who I had met sent this response to me after I told her that I had depression.  I’ve sat on it for a while and I decided to write about it.

Depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling. [i] What I “heard,” her say is that dealing with someone  who is not dealing with their own depression themselves is a burden.  I absolutely agree.

depressed woman

More than anything I felt sad that because of the stigmatization of this disease, people need to put us in a category that one-size-fits-all, that we’re all the same. I feel for her that she has to carry the burden of her daughters’ depressions. However, to lump me with her daughters does me a disservice, and might even contribute to her way of looking at her daughters in a way that MIGHT not be conducive to their acceptance of themselves.


But as I have gone through this journey of overt depression, if I have learned anything, is that people would rather deal with an alcoholic than to deal with somebody who has “depression.” It  has the misconception that it always extracts too much emotionally from the people who have to deal with the depressed person. It also has such a stereotype to it of the insane asylum, the ECT, mania, “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest,” that people don’t know what to do with it. I think they are afraid they are going to “catch it!”  The cant figure it out and if they cant figure it out, then they say keep it the hell away from me.

Accepting the powerlessness I have over anyone, including their disease and fear, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

question markWhat I am grateful for is that I am learning I don’t have to prove anything to anyone about who I am.  Do I have depression? I really don’t know how to answer that question.[ii]

dancingpeopleWhat I do know is that I have “deep-seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness.” I think that’s what scares the hell out of people the most. When you get really close to their, “pain body,”[iii]  their defense mechanisms kick in. The first thing I want to do when my defense mechanisms kick in is push you away! Because when you go away I don’t have to deal with me. Whew that was close!!

So to that wonderful lady who sent me that message about her daughters’ depression, I hear you. I empathize with you and the plight that you are in. I pray that you find the love and support that you need, for you.

There is one who has all power! Thank Ggod.

[i] Dr. R. W. Shepherd [ii] I am going to tackle that in the next post![iii]I believe it is Eckhardt Tolle who said this.

!!!!!!!!!!8 Pm. Monday night PDT.  I just talked to the FANATIC.  She sounded great.  She is doing well and hopefully will get out on Wednesday.  Please keep her in your prayers. She has written “Lonely,”  “Its Me And The Demon,” “You Are Not Wanted Here, ” And “Its A Painful Existence,” as well as other pieces.!!!!!!!!!!


It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission. finger touching nose of baby

wolf yosemite

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