All the love I’ve thrown away or lost, I’m longing for again[i]
Today I want to talk about a relationship I am in. When I first met them(their name is withheld to protect the innocent) I was scared and intimidated. I thought I could never live up to what I believe they required from me. So my first instinct based on my history was to turn around and go the other way.
But I asked for Ggod’s help. What happened next was the beginning of the long and wonderful, at times very close, and at times scary relationship. I was as real as I had ever been in my whole life. After a while though I believe I got complacent, and I started taking them for granted. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, it’s because I chose to slowly not live a conscious life, but to live out of my history. So we stayed together, but there was this distance. We didn’t communicate as well as we used to, I wouldn’t listen to their needs, so needless to say our intimacy suffered. This went on for years. How many I couldn’t tell you, but it was a long time.
One minute you’re right there, then something slips.[ii] What happened to cause the slow separation I couldn’t tell you. Does anyone know when things start to change and what was once a wonderful relationship starts to become more of a myth rather than reality.
Then after a while you just start living in the myth. All I know is when I am living in a myth I’m not here, I am not present .
So our relationship went on that way for years until finally they couldn’t stand it anymore. They confronted me and said if that if I don’t do something about this they were going to leave. That was a moment where I had to make a decision. I remember it like it was yesterday, but yet it seems like it was so long ago. My choice was to either leave, or to challenge how I looked at this relationship and make a decision on the whether I wanted to not be in it anymore. It came down to whether I was willing to do whatever it took to keep something that started out so perfect and so pure alive . I knew that if I was going to make the decision to stay in the relationship that I was probably going to have to let them express a lot of feelings that were uncomfortable, scary, and would probably make me challenge every belief that I ever had about who I am.
So I consulted a few of my close friends, in particular the painter, and got to the point where I realized that I didn’t have a choice anymore. If I didn’t choose to be in that relationship then I would have a hard time justifying my existence. That relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. No other relationship I have ever had has been as rewarding or fulfilling.
I am glad to report that I still have that loving and beautiful partner in life that I met so long ago. I’ve struggled to stay connected to them and even walked away from them at one point. I am so glad that I didnt abandon that beautiful gift from Ggod–me. When I get real, it is that little boy I am in awe of. He not only survived, but he is learning, growing and living more and more every day.
*Joseph Campbell [i] Bruce Springsteen Back in Your Arms. [ii] Bruce Springsteen Brothers Under the Bridge. 123 Fanatic