Awe is what moves us forward.*

SunsetIndolence keeps me stuck.

All the love I’ve thrown away or lost, I’m longing for again[i]

Today I want to talk about a relationship I am in. When I first met  them(their name is withheld to protect the innocent) I was scared and intimidated.  I thought I could never live up to what I believe they required from me. So my first instinct based on my history was to turn around and go the other way.

praying-hands

But I asked for Ggod’s help.  What happened next was the beginning of the long and wonderful, at times very close,  and at times scary relationship.  I was as real as I had ever been in my whole life. After a while though I believe I got complacent, and I started taking them for granted. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, it’s because I chose to slowly not live a conscious life, but to live out of my history.  So we stayed together, but there was this distance. We didn’t communicate as well as we used to, I wouldn’t  listen to their needs, so needless to say our intimacy suffered. This went on for years.  How many I couldn’t tell you, but it was a long time.

-i-will-always-be-there-for-youOne minute you’re right there, then something slips.[ii] What happened to cause the slow separation I couldn’t tell you.  Does anyone know when things start to change and what was once a wonderful relationship starts to become more of a myth rather than reality.

Then after a while you just start living in the myth. All I know is when I am living in a myth I’m not here, I am not present .

So our relationship went on that way for years until finally they couldn’t stand it anymore. They confronted me and said if that if I don’t do something about this they were  going to leave. That was a moment where I had to make a decision. I remember it like it was yesterday, but yet it seems like it was so long ago. My choice was to either leave, or to challenge how I looked at this relationship and make a decision on the whether I wanted to not be in it anymore. It came down to whether I was willing to do whatever it took to keep something that started out so perfect and so pure alive . I knew that if I was going to make the decision to stay in the relationship that I was probably going to have to let them express a lot of feelings that were uncomfortable, scary, and would probably make me challenge every belief that I ever had about who I am.

lovebitesSo I consulted a few of my close friends, in particular the painter, and got to the point where I realized that I didn’t have a choice anymore. If I didn’t choose to be in that relationship then I would have a hard time justifying my existence. That relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me.  No other relationship I have ever had has been as rewarding or fulfilling.

I am glad to report that I still have that loving and beautiful partner in life that I met  so long ago.  I’ve struggled to stay connected to them and even walked away from them at one point.  I am so glad that I didnt abandon  that beautiful gift from Ggod–me. When I get real, it is that little boy I am in awe of.  He not only survived, but he is learning, growing and living more and more every day.

*Joseph Campbell [i] Bruce Springsteen Back in Your Arms. [ii]  Bruce Springsteen Brothers Under the Bridge.   123 Fanatic

wolf yosemitefinger touching nose of babyIMG00733

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6 thoughts on “Awe is what moves us forward.*

  1. Wow, are you living my life? I applaud the courage and the effort it takes to engage again. I am thankful that you are together for you sake and of course theirs but mostly yours because you need a constant in you life. We all need one. I love you share today, it makes my heart happy for you. I was thinking about what you wrote in answer to my blog and prayed for you and look what you wrote this morning. Truly a testament to grace and love and peservering. Have a wonderful, blessed day. shoeman

    • What was interesting for me is that I wrote this before I saw your blog. Maybe that’s why I was able to find your post!
      I need not seek, I need only see.
      A great man said that. Do you know who?

      • John, Matthew and Jesus? Am I right? Seeing is a big thing for me because it takes me a couple of times around the mountain to finally stop and slap myself and say wake up dummy. Just kidding but that’s how it feels. I have lots of Ah-ha moments some really big and some small. There are lots of things I just didn’t know. I’m fine with not knowing but I love it when I SEE. Si?

      • I am blessed to know you have revived your old love light. It took courage but love you deserve. I’m happy for you shoe.

  2. Mornings as I lay just moments after waking I try to find the answer by thinking. What did I loose? Time? Half my life I have tried by thinking. Again I stop thinking and for a moment I find clarity. Clarity without thinking just feeling the silence, this is where I begin the healing, free to know Ggod is listening to my silence, giving me signs I’m o.k. I can do more then function now. But the work begins now, today. I realize how my thinking has caused me physical exhaustion , love loss, years lost.. I believed until recently thinking protected me. My thinking and loss caused me to always seek approval, even from those who weren’t looking . I then lashed out because of indifference. Was this indifference from me or given to me ? Can I reconstruct it? Thinking again, now knowing breathing and silence can deconstruct it.I can now start living even with my loss. I feel loss for the little girl that wasn’t protected, violated, told it was her fault keeping the secrets of my parents pain, pain they gave to me. I now care for her as i sit here crying.That poor little girl always seeking approval, turning my self loathing from someones else s pain to depression. I care about the teenager that ran from home knowing it wasn’t hers but my parents used to seek their own approval from others. The teenager that was me living in someones else s pain, drugged, matted hair, lost, only finding solace by thinking. I love and care about her now, healing her by my hard fought winning and loosing. breathe,breathing, whispered thinking now turning to silence. But the work begins now, today.
    A friend recently said ” no amount of words will change anything”, This was in reference to how I caused him so much pain, even though I had never felt more love for another man. I think, think think waiting for clarity, but even again I am faced with loss because he moved on. a feeling of loss that has surrounded me, chocking me, lip biting, exacerbated by myself. This loneliness sucks! yet I still have silence, breathing in, breathing out, my Ggod healing me, I now really believe I wouldn’t have been dropped of in the abyss of my own mind by my higher power. I have silence, life and breath. Love again is here in my today, now free in my silence to heal. Free, free, Freeeeee

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