…..what we pay attention to.*
“You don’t know where you are or where your dreams end and the world begins.” [i] When I started to fall into the emotions that I ran from my whole life, I was in the space that the sentence describes.** There were many days when I wasn’t sure what I was even doing on this earth. This is not to say that I was suicidal or homicidal, it was to say that I didn’t know if what I thought was real as I went through the days.
“Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”[v] I believe now that a psychic change was taking place because of the healing that I was allowing to come in to me. I could not tell you whether it was in my “subconscious” or conscious. There really isn’t a good way for me to try to explain to you what happened. My buddy the painter I think said it best once one he said, it is just a slight nuance of a change inside of us, but it’s huge because I look at the world differently.
“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” [ii] All my life all I’ve ever wanted to do was be conscious. Well I have finally been given an opportunity. I’ve had to have virtually everything stripped away from me so that I could see what it was that was important. This is not to say that before I didn’t see what was important, it is just that I missed one thing before my journey through depression. I missed being of service to others for the sake of being of service to others.
Recovery, at its deepest level, evokes the art of valuing, caring for and sustaining. [iii] like Real says, caring for and sustaining are qualities that I need to begin in some areas, further in others and sustain in areas where I already do that. This is where the fear has more pull on me than in other areas. I noted a couple of weeks ago I think. I am starting to take way better care of myself. It challenges many of my unconscious thought processes, and even some of my conscious ones. But I trust that my Ggod is going to continue to allow me to get better at these things.
In ACA[iv] the term, “parenting yourself,” is one which allows us to care for, sustain and value ourselves. This is where the big struggle is with the Ggod damned demon. Yet I know that by writing it here, I am moving forward on it.
*My friend, the “Colonel” [i] Rachel Klein[ii] Joseph Campbell[iii] Terrence Real. I Dont Want to Talk About It. pg. 320 [iv] Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous. [v] C.S. Lewis. **There are days, like this one, where I am not sure that anything is different.
Rose Photo by Carol Welsh. carolwelsh.wordpress.com. Mt. Shasta by Sugar!