I continue to try and participate in my life despite the demons presence. Yesterday was a good example. I was at a Major League Baseball game in the warm California sun and all I could do was cry. Sure, I clapped when I could, cheered when I could, and ran to the bathroom for quiet space when I could. But mostly I shed several tears behind my sunglasses. I tried to be discreet so no one would know I was in pain. Pain from what I did not know. Waves of udder sadness would wash over me, so much so my upper lip would quiver. I had no control over when it would hit, for how long or how often. It lasted all damn day. Started in the shower in the morning and culminated with all out sobbing in bed. I was so distraught, helpless and hopeless I stumbled into our office and muttered I am going to bed.
My husband gave me a few minutes and then came into the bedroom. He laid with me while I wailed in agony. I could barely breathe. He said soothing things some of which I disputed, some I heard and some I just couldn’t. He said I was a good person and I replied, look at me it doesn’t fucking matter. He repeated it again, a little softer this time. He then assured me I was going to be okay, that sometimes we all don’t feel good, this will pass. My demon was chanting fuck you in the background demanding I tell the man who cares for me deeply to go away and leave me alone. I bought into
this rhetoric but did not repeat it. I carried on for what felt like forever and just thought this is no way to live. I am never going to feel good again. This is the ultimate hell, uncontrollable sobbing after a days worth of tears lost at a baseball game. Visions of my white sheet danced in my head. This is the sheet that is going to strangle the last breath out of me. I know which overhead beam I am going to use. I know which foot goes first up the ladder. I know how I am going to kick the ladder away and hang.
Up until yesterday, I wasn’t even certain if we owned a white sheet. After the emotional day I had, I took to the linen closet to find out. I was relieved and terrified to learn we in fact do have a white sheet. It isn’t as silky as the seductive one in my visions. This realization took place at 4:27am. I retreated to my bed and didn’t move again for another hour. Literally frozen w this new knowledge. I got up an hour later, made coffee and fumbled to the office with the dark secret in tow.
*By the Fanatic!