I needed the chaos to feel alive,

…now I die when I am in it.

SONY DSCTheres a line inside, I think Ive crossed.*  Before I started doing the project  for my friend last week, I was centered, calm, okay with myself. This morning at 4:21 AM in California, I am sad, forlorn, full of tears, feeling alone.   My recovery from depression is not that long and apparently not that strong and I don’t need to be put back in places where I feel traumatized.

As I sit here I realize that I can’t go back to being around that kind of behavior exhibited by my friend this week. That driven, keep pushing at all costs kind of behavior.  Because  I don’t get to use and practice loving kindness when the anger is dominating the room.  They say up to 90% of communication is non-verbal.  What I realized is my friend is falling deeper into his anger because he doesn’t know what to do with all feelings he has avoided his whole life which are coming home to roost.  Normally I can be present for that, and the friends who know me best are aware of that. But as of today I don’t have the capability to be there for that and work for that person at the same time.

let-youself-be-drawn-rumiTomorrow is the price for yesterday.***  I need my tomorrow to be based on loving kindness and not on “on your mark get set go lets get this shit done because my feelings of inadequacy, which are supported by my girl friends ragging on me that we are spending too much money,”  kind of attitude exhibited by my friend.

Last night it came to a boiling point for me. I could see this he was terribly frustrated because this apartment was not ready and he had already rented it starting yesterday. So it’s six o’clock at night, I’ve been there since eight o’clock in the morning and just took a brief 15 min., “let’s quickly eat the burrito for lunch because we need to keep pushing and get this thing done mentality” that was going on.

I’m starting to pack up my tools cause I’m done for the day. I am burnt out.  My friend turns the corner and looks at me and with a raised voice(which I dont think he is even aware of)  says “Can you cut a piece for there?” Not knowing where “there” is I look at him and say “where?” He looks at me and says, “Over there.” Then I raised my voice and I say, “This is not okay with me anymore… This anger that is being exhibited here is not okay with me anymore.” Of course my friend got defensive.  So we talked it out, but last night a couple hours after I left there, I was just spent, felt like it had all my energy sucked out of me, and very very frustrated that I had to endure that kind of passive aggressive behavior.  It is so reminiscent of my family of origin.

walk alone tracks

“You’ll Have to Sort It Out and Start Again.”**  It is difficult being somewhere where I had felt at home for so long and not felt at home like I did last week.  I was talking with  a friend yesterday.  I did construction work for over 20 years.  I loved it.  I had laid 35+floors like the one I laid this week.  I know the work and am good at it.  I still love construction but not the pace of doing it like I used to THRIVE on doing it.  I want to nurture souls and construction work, at least for my friend, doesn’t do that.

*Bob Seger. Face the Promise, **Bob Seger No Matter who You Are.***Bob Seger  No More.


3 thoughts on “I needed the chaos to feel alive,

    • Carrie,
      I agree that there is chaos in nature. I accept that. What I am trying not to do is to carry any more of the burden than I need to do be loving and kind to me! I need not carry another’s burden to justify my existence. I love my friend, but it can only be in small doses. I will and have always been there when he has talked suicide, his daughter hating him, his situation with his significant other. Those are real situations I can deal with because I can understand them. If I cant understand what I going on for another I cant give. Being loving and kind does not mean being co-dependent or enabling.

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