This Post is Dark…..
“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved, unforgiven hurts.” [i] I sat in AA meeting yesterday, and there was a man in that meeting who loves to say how dishonest I am. He only says it outside of the rooms because he wont say it to my face, but he’ll say it to my friends when I am not around. Most the time I’m okay with it, as I know it’s not true, but yesterday for a while, I wasn’t. Most of the friends I know who have this dis-ease are suicidal in how they act it out. Not me! I’m homicidal. The idea that if I would have had a gun yesterday when that asshole got out of his car and said one of his smart-ass disrespectful comments to me, I would’ve shot the son of a bitch, was a good idea.
Now you’re gonna say and I am going to agree with you that the level of anger I had(in thought only) towards him was disproportionate to his disrespect towards me. But when you have a life time of ungrieved, unforgiven hurts, any relief, and I mean any relief from that unexpressed grief seems worth it.
And what I see in hindsight was happening for me, was that a friend who I was helping get his floor put in to one of his rental units was doing his indirect, dishonest way of putting pressure on me to try to get something done, yesterday, because he had a lack of planning. So I was frustrated with his projection of failure onto me . When that ass hole showed up at the meeting, it was appropriate to me in my head to put a 357 up to his temple and shoot the asshole. It was thoughts like the one I had yesterday that I’d been carrying my whole life. I have worked through many of them, but obviously one was up yesterday.
“A radio was playing quietly. Nobody was listening. It was there to drown out the silence.”[ii]. Music saved my soul. I am so grateful that music came into my life when I was a young teenager. The first record I bought was Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild.”[iii] it did drown out that silence, that haunting silence that followed at my heels everywhere I went. That silence was waiting there when I woke up and it laid down with me when I went to sleep. I relied on music yesterday when I got home after entertaining the idea at least of shooting that asshole. It allowed me to vent the emotional baggage that got stirred up by his presence.
*Aerosmith Janeys Got a Gun. [i] Penelope Sweet. [ii] Rachel Abbot [iii] the irony of it all was when I bought that record I was still a little goody two shoes who got straight A’s. However I think I had smoked my first marijuana by that time. [iv]What you have just read were my thoughts, nothing more.