Aside

…is a Painful existence.*

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I like things simple. I actually consider myself a pretty simple girl. No need for leather and lace. I don’t wear makeup. No desire for big glitzy jewelry.  Hanging out watching baseball is just perfect for me. I have been known to dance a little and love a lot.  Music is an important component of my life. My husband is truly my best friend. Not only am I simple, I am blessed.
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Things tend to get complicated for me when depression takes hold. I have had the gift of remission for several years. I practically forgot the demon ever had a hold on me. I was at, what I thought, was the height of my best self. I was comfortable in my skin, playing competitive tennis, almost 4 yrs of sobriety under my belt, flourishing relationships, footloose and fancy free.  All of that was lost as soon as I put a drop of vodka in my body due to the voracious appetite of my depression. This fateful day was 11-11-11.
The agitation, irritability, impatience, and tears started about a month prior. As per my usual reaction, I thought if I only I worked out harder, ran that much longer and insisted the demon would NOT get me this time, I would wake up as if it were a dream. Instead, I “woke up” becuz I drank drano in an attempt to kill the demon and myself. I was convinced I could not endure another battle with my depressed alcoholic self. I just didn’t have it in me.
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Yet, here I am writing this in 2013.  Depression is a painful existence.  My friend wrote something along the lines of…its not living so much that is painful, rather losing what you are living for.  I think this to be true for me. It is equally painful to lose a loved one as it is to feel like you are losing yourself.  I found my higher power again on a hiking trail.  Perhaps he kept me on the “right” path all the while I have been thinking I am lost.
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It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.
*Fanatic
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3 thoughts on “…is a Painful existence.*

  1. One of the Depression Demon’s best tricks is to stay hidden inside you so you start to believe he is really gone…then knocks you down hard when he once again shows his face. While I am a strong believer in not allowing my mental illness to define who I am, I do believe I need to face the reality it is something I have to live with in order for it not to catch me guard like it did you. I wish you win every battle you fight with your personal Demon my friend. 🙂

  2. Yesterday, I came across a very powerful poem on depression and now I find myself on your site (thanks to your visit to me). I have only ever had moments of depression, not a dogging depression that lurks and takes over at will. However, I have recently come to know someone that does battle with depression as you describe it. Sites like yours and the one I read last night help me to know how to just be there for this person, knowing I can’t fix it and that this is not something one can just get over. It is very real and persistent. I hate that anyone suffers in this way and I pray you will have a complete remission from this rotten demon.

    • I visited your site because a wonderful lady whose poetry you commented on in the last few days, is a follower of our writings. I appreciate your words. The author of the piece you commented on is one of the most gentle souls you would ever want to meet. She wouldnt hurt anyone. This dis-ease is so cunning, baffling and powerful. If we can help your friend, that will be a wonder full thing. Thanks for your loving kindness. I see it in your work also.

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