I like things simple. I actually consider myself a pretty simple girl. No need for leather and lace. I don’t wear makeup. No desire for big glitzy jewelry. Hanging out watching baseball is just perfect for me. I have been known to dance a little and love a lot. Music is an important component of my life. My husband is truly my best friend. Not only am I simple, I am blessed.
Things tend to get complicated for me when depression takes hold. I have had the gift of remission for several years. I practically forgot the demon ever had a hold on me. I was at, what I thought, was the height of my best self. I was comfortable in my skin, playing competitive tennis, almost 4 yrs of sobriety under my belt, flourishing relationships, footloose and fancy free. All of that was lost as soon as I put a drop of vodka in my body due to the voracious appetite of my depression. This fateful day was 11-11-11.
The agitation, irritability, impatience, and tears started about a month prior. As per my usual reaction, I thought if I only I worked out harder, ran that much longer and insisted the demon would NOT get me this time, I would wake up as if it were a dream. Instead, I “woke up” becuz I drank drano in an attempt to kill the demon and myself. I was convinced I could not endure another battle with my depressed alcoholic self. I just didn’t have it in me.
Yet, here I am writing this in 2013. Depression is a painful existence. My friend wrote something along the lines of…its not living so much that is painful, rather losing what you are living for. I think this to be true for me. It is equally painful to lose a loved one as it is to feel like you are losing yourself. I found my higher power again on a hiking trail. Perhaps he kept me on the “right” path all the while I have been thinking I am lost.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.