because we all have fear [i]
“Depression is the inability to construct a future.”[ii] This is the biggest fear when the depression takes over. Because if you have clinical depression and had had more than one episode of it, the thing you fear the most is it happening again. So when it’s that severe all I want to do is stop the world and get off.
“Losing your life is not the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing is to lose your reason for living.” [iii] This is the part that people can’t understand. A friend told me that a psychiatrist told her that she really didn’t have anything to be depressed about; she had a car, house, money in the bank, a job.
What the psychiatrist was inferentially saying is “quit your crying.” This is the part I do not understand as someone who has depression and did not used to have it. When someone told me they had depression I just felt sad for them because I didn’t have enough information to tell them what to do. Oh that’s right, I told my old high school friend Renée that she should not take anti-depressants when I was two years sober.[vii]
“Depression is melancholy minus its charms.” [iv] If you can’t conceive of melancholy, think of sadness, gloomy and think of that as being without any feeling whatsoever. I’ve heard it described as, “there’s a pall over my life,” “there’s a fog around me all the time,” “dark black.” There is no charm when you are in it
“Woke up this morning afraid I was gonna live.”[v] This describes the last quote of “depression is melancholy minus its charms.” It is probably the best example I know of the hopeless, helpless, useless, worthless frame of mind that deep depression left me in. As those who are close to me know, there was a period of months in my life when I went to recovery meetings, maybe 2 a week, therapy, and to get food. Other than that I didn’t leave my house. I also didnt tell anyone, save a few friends, what I was doing. Whenever I talked about it at meetings, they would tell me to do something to change it. Yeah a bunch of crazy drunks telling me how to do recovery as they sat there 50 pounds overweight, or still smoking cigarettes, or numb from the head down!!!
This is what I did. I played on line poker(love you G!)and drank Peets coffee and suffered.[vi] I lived in the crap that underlies my depression that I had been running from my whole life. I felt like staying in bed all the time. There were times when I would not go out of my house except to go to therapy. There was a couple of weeks time where I was not going to go to any meeting, because I just didnt give a shit about anyone or anything. Thank Ggod there is guy who makes scones for my Home Group every week. Had it not been for those scones, I know of at least 2 occasions where I would not have gone to any meetings for a week or more.
[i] John Rosenthal ‘Insisting on Love‘ [ii] Rollo May[iii] Jo Nesbo [iv] Susan Sontag[v] Elizabeth Wurtzel. [vi] Albert Einstein [vi] Major Dickasons! [vii] Renee has stuck with me from way back in the 70s. Shes been there for me when I was up, and now she is there for me when I am “down.” What better friend could anyone want.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.