“I got a new suit of clothes,….

me 9

a pretty red rose, and a woman I can call my friend.”*

[A]n addictive relationship can be established with just about anything, so long as the substance, person, or activity relieves the threat of overt depression.[i]

4-13-13-rose-jpeg

This issue is a very difficult one for me to write about. It’s difficult in that it comes from a place inside of me which I don’t have any cognitive relationship to, any historical perspective of. It was easy to describe what the physical violence did to me because when the abuse was physical  it was something I could create a memory of. I could see the images of the actions and at least entertain the idea of there being a connection to my “film about ghosts.”

What I’m talking about now is my inability to create healthy relationships in the past with women. The events that led to me having the  inability are not relevant to this discussion, but needless to say I am a survivor.

shadow 1Abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.[ii] Before I started the course of healing that I’m on I lived in a quiet, angst filled fear of the women I was with.  What I have since learned is as long as I had that conflict inside of myself that related to the inability to connect to most important person in  my life at the most formative stage of my life,  I was to continue to try to resolve that emotional complex with the women I was with presently.

So I’ve done the work,[v] but I still have to remind myself to look and listen with my intuition, instead of my mind. It is difficult at times to do because when I am afraid the GgDD starts to take over and wants to continue to re-act out the history of abuse and neglect.

Yosemite

A man never rises higher than when he does not know whether his path can still lead him.[ii] My choices in life used to always be predicated on what someone else was willing to give to me, in a sense that if they gave me anything I would settle for it.  Now, there are certain criteria that I have for any relationship with a significant other.  Those criteria are based on my needs, my limits, and more importantly my boundaries. I would love to tell you that I have made all relationships from the time I did my healing on meet the standards that I set out in the sentence before this one. That would be a lie.

rainbow st helena

What I am saying is that I come first. It would not do me any good to talk about any of the women who I have gotten close to in the last, say 45 years. It wasn’t the true me in any of those relationships. I’m getting better at it, being intimate and honest with another human being who happens to be the woman that I am sleeping with.

k4421614“The problem with growing up fearing and expecting rejection is that you cannot enter into adult relationship in the expectation of happiness.”[vi] in the last paragraph I talked about it wouldn’t do me any good to talk about any of the relationships with women in the prior 45 years of my life, and I’m a few years older than that now, so needless to say I was not expecting happiness from any of those relationships. What I was expecting that’s another issue.

*Bruce Springsteen  Better Days.  [i] Terrence Real   I Dont Want to Talk About It. p.63 [ii] Herbert Ward  [iii]  Fredrich Nietzsche Untimely Meditations [vi]  Dorothy Rowe[v] As is my discretion, I make it a practice not to reveal my healing practices.  Everyone’s journey is unique.  It is sometimes difficult to have to go out and find those things I need to heal, but necessary. If you are interested, please send me an email and I will correspond that way.

Rose by CarolWelsh.wordpress.com  Yosemite by Sugar!  IT is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission!

wolf yosemitefinger touching nose of baby

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