Aside

Duality is Deadly*

I cringe sometimes where I hear someone say, “Just go do the next right thing.” That infers that if you dont do the next right thing, you are doing the next wrong thing.  My mind says I am screwed if I dont do the “right” thing and I might  as well drink or die.  Duality.  The best example of what I can give to you to explain what  Duality is  is a Rumi poem:

fieldsOut beyond ideas
of wrong doing and right doing,
there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

Rumi talks about  us getting beyond that place where everything has to be labeled as either positive or negative, right or wrong, good or bad, evil or Ggod like.  When I can speak and communicate from a place of no judgment then I am not in my dis-ease.   I believe that all that “black and white thinking” is either the manifestation of or the outward expression of that which is the basis of my depression.

No one in their right mind wants to sit and be consumed by the inability to function in their daily life. Please notice how that was phrased. “In their right mind,” is what many people don’t understand about depression. We have a medical/psychological imbalance that we cant  think our way out of!!!  I see some of the most capable hard-working people dealing with this. I always prided myself on the fact that other people may be smarter than me, I could accept that, but nobody was going to outwork me.[i]

What people don’t understand is I can’t control my depression by thinking right thoughts.  I hear a friend saying their significant other is always saying “Just change your thoughts.”  Yeah right!!!

I could control my depression if I was willing to walk around like a zombie.  I wont do that, because the side effects of the meds killed me worse than all of the crying and hurting I did to walk through the pain I have carried all my  life. I am not willing to give up my soul any more to feel “normal.”

One of the most hurtful things that happened to me on this journey of overt depression was when a person who was very close to me said that I needed to “Get off your ass, and….” Duality.  People think that I make a volitional choice of whether I’m going to get off my ass or not. That is the most absurd thing someone could say to me if they truly knew me before the depression kicked my ass.

7

I just heard a very loving, beautiful,  friend of mine say that she needs to “get her head out of her ass,” and her life will be better.  I love this woman.  She is so much fun, she’s funny, we can act in many ways without that crappy unwritten crap that I carry about women, we can say anything to each other.  There is a saying,  “Would I treat a best friend that way,” in reference to how we treat ourselves.    If I wouldn’t treat a friend like that, what gives me the right to treat myself that way.  I suffered from that self abusive duality for so, so long.

I have never been able to live up to my mind and my heart has never had a say in it!

Duality is Deadly . The Ggod Damn Demon loves it and creates my world view through it.  It germinates those ideas of good/bad through it’s “Duality filter,”  and nurtures those ideas into psychic pain, and  he does all of  it just for me!

Also, I pat myself on the back for leaving out all the expletives I wanted to include here.  It angers me to listen to non-depressed people thinking they have a f…ing clue about this condition.

[i] I give my father credit for my work ethic. [ii]  D. H. Lawrence  The Healing.

wolf yosemite It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission.

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2 thoughts on “Duality is Deadly*

  1. I feel you on this. I want to snap out of it but I can’t, and no one seems to get it that I can’t. And I was doing a lot of progress already. Thanks for the follow .. It is nice to know one is not alone.

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