Where I am in Charge

Angry tears blur my eyes, but not my vision. I still see my “medication shelf” as a root of failure. It is time for bed and my routine consists of brushing my teeth and taking my nite meds. For the most part, I do this as matter of ritual not thinking, just doing.  However, on this particular occasion I cannot stop staring and judging the tiny shelf in the hallway closet that houses my psychotropic medications.  The width of this closet is probably only 1 foot, yet it feels like a deep cavern full of dark shadows that hosts my inner demons from time to time. The voice inside my head leaps out from behind the plastic bottles of pills and reveals I am flawed, crazy, broken, quite possibly beyond repair. 2 steps from the closet is the bathroom mirror, it too reflects an insufficiency.  Self hatred rises and falls in those tears. Relief from this inward dissension can only be found in sleep.

Self hatred is reborn in the early morning hours. Begrudgingly, I open the hallway closet door to take my morning medications. As I survey my shelf, my minds eye also takes note of other treatments within this cavern. Cough syrup, band aids, and Ibuprofen all take up space. Yet, I do not hold these remedies as failures, rather cures for what ails me.  Not only do I take them willingly, but with an expectation of getting better.  Why do I not allow myself this same peace of mind when it comes to my “shelf?”  Medicine, for me, is part of the process of becoming whole again. It is a small task within my day that I can control, that I can take a role in to take care of myself.

My depression runs deep. It continues to claw and tear at my soul. Scatter chatter rummages through my mind searching for failures and inadequacies sometimes every minute of every day, but sometimes not.  There is no cure for depression, but there is armor I can use to protect myself at least a little bit.  It is found on a shelf in my hallway, in my house, where I am in charge.

Authored by Fanatic.

It is better to seek forgiveness   than it is permission.

wolf yosemitewolf yosemite


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